Eyes on Fire
by aliceinvasion
Summary: Audrey is the "new student" at Degrassi, and she has no idea what to expect, especially when the boy she loves is a little complicated. But who will get in the way and maybe wreck her life? Adam/OC Fitz/OC. Based off song Eyes on Fire by Blue Foundation.
1. Chapter 1: Back To The Street

Okay, before you read, I just want you all to know that the new character, Audrey Holker, is an original creation by me. The other characters that I've made up are Miles Holker (her older brother) and Tanya (Miles' girlfriend). Certain characters in Degrassi are involved in this story along with other side storylines involving only the characters I have made up. Please do not be mistaken that this isn't a fanfiction. Enjoy!

Wake up. Chapped Lips. Dry Eyes. I walk towards the bedroom mirror to check my hair. Messy again, and my bangs aren't the way I want them to be. "Quick, fix it" My mind told me. And well, I did. Swept them to one side, got my clothes on, you get the idea.

Today I start my first day at Degrassi Community School. Should I be happy? Sad? Right now I'm awfully confused. Thoughts are whirling and twirling around in my head. I heard so much about the school prior to going. Things like;

"It sucks" "No one will accept you there" "There are a lot of freaks in that place" "Did you know that before break there was a lockdown?" "There's this one freak that drives a funeral car" Ha. I actually thought that was pretty cool. I've always wanted to drive in a funeral car. I go down to the kitchen quietly, because I don't want my older brother to know that I am awake. He hates the idea of me going to Degrassi, because apparently there is a transgender kid there. My brother is a homophobic, which is hard on me, because I'm not. In fact, I think I might be bisexual.

Downstairs, I don't even bother having an actual breakfast. I just make some raspberry tea and sit quietly with the three cats, which also ticks my brother off. My brother rules over me because my parents kind of abandoned us when my brother Miles was 11. I'm ten years younger than he is, so he's allowed to take care of me. Which sucks, because he's immature and we never get along. I see him out of the corner of my eye playing some old Resident Evil game that I've beat so many times.

I'm out the door in 10 minutes, and already I see the guy with the funeral car. I get this weird feeling in my throat when I see him. He pulls over and lowers the window. He's kind of staring at me.

"Are you the girl just moved in who has the really loud TV that plays vexatious Resident Evil music?" I'm impressed by this guy's knowledge. "Uh…yeah." I mumble. "That's my brother Miles. He's addicted to the game." The guy snickers. "You're Audrey, right?" I nod in response. "Well, I'm Eli, and uh, good luck at Degrassi. You'll need it." And he drove away, far ahead of where I was walking. What did he mean by "You'll need it"? I kept walking anyway, and decided I could listen to some good music on my walk. But then I felt some stares. Why?

Finally, after what seemed like a half hour, I got to the school. I saw more stares. I didn't get it, but I guess new kids get that treatment around here. I started navigating my way through the school. When I saw the Eli kid again. "Hey" he greeted my coolly, and by that point I had run out of words to say. "Clare, this is Audrey. She's the new girl everyone keeps talking about." My eyes widened at the sound of this. "Everyone?" I echoed, and Clare nodded. "Audrey, new kids who come in the middle of the semester are a huge deal. What grade are you in?" "11" I answered. Why was everyone talking about me? I felt kind of confused. Suddenly, a boy with this knit hat and a bag slung over one shoulder approached me. My body went into panic mode. I think he saw me flush. "Hey" he said in a surprisingly mid pitched voice. This wasn't normal for a guy. Was this the transgender one? "Uhhh…" My mind wandered, looking for the right words to say. "Um.. hi. I—I'm Audrey Holker. I'm in Grade 11, and I'm new here. You?" "Adam" he replied, "Are you sick or something?" "No, No" I responded. I must have looked like an idiot in front of him. "What class do you have first?" he then asked me as if nothing was a big deal. "Um, Pre Calculus." Adam looked really surprised. "Wow! You're a really advanced math student!" he exclaimed. "Oh," I continued, adding an unessecarry laugh. I feel like an idiot. "Well, I have Pre Calculus too, so want to walk with me?" I managed a nod, and tried focusing. "Welcome to the next two years of my life" I thought to myself as I managed to take a small glance at Adam. He was so cute!


	2. Chapter 2: Hey, Freak

Chapter Two The walk to math class seemed like forever. Adam talks a little to me and asks me questions. I tell him I lived in Montreal before I came here and that I moved because my brother Miles got a job here. He's 26 and an auto mechanic at a place that used to be called I think Jeremiah Motors, but I'm not sure. Adam seems really interested in what I have to say, which makes me feel a little better. We finally make it to Pre-Calculus and I see nothing out of the ordinary. Adam leaves an open seat out for me, and I sit down. In less than two seconds the girl next to me is all, "You're Audrey, right?" and I feel confused. "How does everyone know my name?" I suddenly blurt out, and the girl rolls her eyes. "Some kid who works at the new auto store said that there would be a new girl coming." I sighed heavily. "Miles" I muttered to myself. He's always saying things about people. It can get annoying. She then introduced herself as Holly J Sinclair. "Why the J?" I asked, but before she could answer class had already started. Math isn't exactly a big deal for me, but I don't really like it too much. I just kind of naturally solve the problems I guess. Class did end eventually, and it was back to me and Adam, talking away about random stuff I guess. Turns out we have three classes together. All the better, because he seems like the only halfway decent kid in school so far. Although, I can't really say much about Eli since I haven't really talked to him yet, but my thoughts got interrupted by a "hey FREAK." It sounded like a girl, so I decided to look up to see who it was, and sure enough my predictions were right. But why did she call Adam a freak? "That's Bianca." he half-whispered half-warned me. "We got to get out of here." I just stared at Adam blankly like he was crazy or something, but it was too late. We had to get to class. Finally, lunch came around, and Adam took me to this supposedly "secret" place that he likes to be. I told him I generally don't eat lunch, and he gave me a quick nod in response like he already knew. This supposedly secret place was actually really nice. It was a flat rock surrounded by tall ferns near some sort of garden. I really liked it. We talked a lot about different kinds of things, like video games and comics. Adam then interrupted our conversation about Resident Evil with a, "Watch out. If you publicize the fact that you like video games, Dave, Wesley, and Connor will be drooling all over you." I almost laughed, but I didn't. "Is that a bad thing?" I asked "Well..." his voice wandered. "They don't really have the best reputation. I don't think Connor will be too into you, but Wesley? He would kill for a girl like you." I didn't really know what to say. I decided to believe Adam. After all, we were becoming really good friends. But I'm still questioning the whole "freak" thing. Hope I find out soon what this means. 


	3. Chapter 3: Goodnight and Go, Part One

The day drags on and on class after class I go through. Nothing too terribly interesting happened until I went to the computer lab. I took a seat and settled in to some Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I was pretty comfortable for a while until this incredibly nerdy looking kid with these huge red glasses came up to me and said "Ha. I like Buffy too."

I was pretty startled. I took my headphones off, paused the video, and turned around to face him. "Wesley?" I asked, "What are you doing here?" "I came to use the computer," he told me, "And I found you here I guess." He sat down at the computer next to me. I stared at him for a little while. He logged on to the computer and then asked, "Aren't you glad it s Friday?" "I guess" I responded. I sort of forgot it was Friday. I could feel his discomfort near me. I wanted to ask if he was okay, but I didn't. I just continued watching Buffy. Highly amusing.

A while later, I started heading home. I got a call from Adam on my way home. "Hey Audrey," he said, "I was wondering if you were going to the Anime convention tomorrow" I smiled to myself like an idiot at the sound of this. "Of course I'm going!" I exclaimed, although I hadn't actually made plans. "You?" "Can't," he said, disappointed. "Drew wants me to go to this social party. I really don't want to go, but mom insists I should. Hope you have fun." I was a little surprised. "If you can't go, then why did you call me?" I ask with a hint of impatience in my voice "Because I forgot to tell you at lunch." I roll my eyes. Adam's a great guy, but he has his little quirks. "Well, if you change your mind, let me know." I assured him, and then we hung up.

When I got home, Miles wasn't there. The TV was still on. I guessed that he was playing Resident Evil, and he was playing the exact same level that he was playing when I first left this morning. I was so tempted to just finish the game for him, but Miles promised that this time he would for sure beat the game. I have some hope for him. I realize that I finished all my homework in school, so I go up to my room to play Final Fantasy, my second favourite game to Resident Evil. I play for hours until Miles gets home. "AUDREYYY" he bellows, followed by a cough. "I got somethin for ya!" I make my way downstairs to find Miles covered in dirt and whatnot. He is holding a small blue paper bag. I reach in, and I see a figure of Buffy and Angel hugging each other. I can't help it but to laugh. "Where did you manage to find this?" I say in between laughs. "Oh, some kid named Wesley dropped it off." I suddenly stop laughing. "Wesley?" I echoed, not knowing what to feel. "Yeah," my brother answered as if none of this was a big deal. "Um, okay." I add, and then I rush back to my room. It's not like I was mad or anything that Wesley sent me the gift, but how did he manage to get it? And why was he acting this way to me? I decided to get some sleep, because I wanted to get to the Anime Convention as early as possible. Didn t want to miss a thing.


	4. Chapter 3: Goodnight and Go, Part Two

I wake up and it's 5:17 in the morning. Wow. I have never woken up this early before. The Anime Convention didn't start until 7:00 in the morning, so I make myself some mint tea and I play Resident Evil: Deadly Silence on mute, which is one of life's most impossible tasks. I didn't want to wake Miles, because if I did, there would be serious hell to pay. I end up epically failing, but at least it was a serious time killer. By the time I gave up, it was 6:45 in the morning, and I decided to walk over to the convention. It would take at least ten minutes to walk over there.

The walk was cold and windy. I had to put on a light jacket, and I had my messenger bag slung over half a shoulder. It felt kind of creepy to be walking out this early in the morning. I left a note on the kitchen table for Miles to read when he woke up. I was reading some Naruto manga on the way to the convention. I have this really odd yet totally awesome talent of walking while reading without killing myself. I don't notice that I have my hair up in a bun until I attempted to feel my hair. Ugh.

I finally got to the anime convention, and it was awesome. There were so many people all dressed up in these cosplay costumes and others with huge stacks of manga for some authors to sign. It felt sort of awkward that I was holding one small Naruto manga in absolutely crappy condition. I walked around, met a few people in cosplay form. And then I heard a familiar "Go ahead, go ask her."

It was Connor. And Wesley was destined to be there.

I was right. He walked towards me, face looking sort of flushed from embarrassment. I thought it was kind of cute. "Well, this is embarrassing," was the first thing Wesley said. "Smooth" I said to myself. "It's not embarrassing! I like Anime!" I reassured him. I felt him loosen up a little. "Uh—did you get my little gift?" he asked, rubbing his hands together nervously. "Of Buffy and Angel? Yeah. Where did you get that thing anyway?" "My dad," he admitted, "In High School, he used to have a crush on Buffy." I couldn't help but chuckle. That was pretty funny. "Want to go somewhere kind of alone?" I raise my eyebrows and give him my "Seriously?" look. I can't break this poor kid's heart, so I go with it. He is of course on cloud nine at the sound of this, so we go to the hallway that leads you to the bathroom, the most deserted place ever. That's when I realize something is up.

"Wesley," I start, aiming to not tear him in pieces. "Did you know I was coming?" "Truthfully, I didn't" he replied. And I believed him. We had a bit of an awkward silence until he broke it with a "I really like your hair like that." I thank him, and he is happier again. We talk for a little while. Then I start to get uncomfortable. Maybe it's because I sense someone coming. But Wesley stares at me. And I stare back at him. "This is awkward." I thought to myself. "Want to walk home with me?" I ask him, just to make him feel like this wasn't a total fail. "Sure!" He exclaims, super happy. He attempted to hold my hand as if we were dating, but I didn't really want to do that. We walked home and he sort of shared his feelings about me. I was a little amused, but I decided to take him seriously. "Wesley, you've only just met me a day ago." He could not have cared less. "But I love you!" He finally blurted out, and with that, he kissed me full on. I backed away from him instantly. It wasn't like it was the first time I had ever been kissed or anything, but I wasn't expecting it. "Why the hell did you just do that?" I exclaimed in anger. He didn't respond and just walked by himself to his house. I felt kind of sorry for him, but I walked on. I took my phone out and called Adam about this. He would want to know every detail.


	5. Chapter 4: Eli and Other Surprises

I spent my Sunday drawing some self portraits and talking to Adam. Miles was out on a date with this girl he met at work, which he said went pretty well. I also called Wesley to apologize. It is now Monday. I'm walking off to school, and I see Eli again. "Hey" he says to me. "I was wondering why you didn't talk to me that much on Friday." I instantly feel a wave of stupidity. "Sorry. I was kind of with Adam the whole day." He flashes this sort of crooked smile (that I am now super obsessed with). "Anyway, I saw your brother with some girl. He fixed up my car, so I was hoping I could see your house later today." I'm okay with it, so we plan to see each other after school. He drives on and I keep walking. I guess I could consider Eli my friend now.

The day drags on. I see Eli a lot today, and we talk. Apparently he's in my English class along with Clare. I guess Clare's pretty nice, but I haven't really talked to her much. The person I've talked to the most is Adam. We've become really good friends actually. Ms. Dawes is unbearable to me. My writing is supposedly too "scrambled" for her, whatever that means. I try doing the assignments as best as I can though. I'm better at making movies. Before class starts, Eli approaches me. "Hey Audrey," he says, "Adam was looking for you." I almost smacked my forehead, but that would make me look like an idiot. "I guess I didn't notice him. My mind is sort of crammed with lots of stuff." Eli gave me look that made me feel like he sort of knew what I was talking about. I smile and we talk about things like his car, music, and some comic books. I tell him I actually don't have any vinyl records since Miles went crazy and sold them all. He got 600 dollars, but I was pretty pissed off with him for a while. We stop talking as soon as Ms. Dawes enters the room. She tells us that we all did really well on our last assignment, which makes me feel pretty good. I wrote a unique review on Pulp Fiction just to show Ms. Dawes that I wasn't a total fail. She gave me an A-, which I guess is pretty good for me. Like I said, I'm way better at movies. The class goes by really quickly and walk towards the spot where Adam and I met last time until Eli stops me. "Wanna eat with us?" he asks, and I nod, suspicious. I told Adam I was going to be with Eli, and he tagged along. Fine by me. We talk about movies, music, all sorts of things. Eli and I discover that we actually have a lot in common. Clare joins us too, and we get along really well. I catch Wesley's eye, and he still looks bummed. I really tore the poor kid in two I guess.

By the time lunch ended, me, Eli, Clare, and Adam were all really good friends, but I seemed to really be on a huge high with Eli. We really got along. I told him about the Resident Evil games and he said that he would like to see me play some. I told him that he might be able to play if he wanted. I was actually getting really excited about him coming over. I wasn't in love, no. But we were starting to click as friends. I spent the rest of the day with Adam and Eli. Clare had to leave school early.

Before I know it, school ends for the day. I meet up with Eli. "Hey Audrey" he says, "Since I have my car here, maybe you'd like to take a ride?" I started getting super excited. "Sure!" I respond and I hop in. The hearse is so creepy but I don't care at all. "Alright Morty" he then says, and the engine starts. He even named the car. Even cooler.

The ride was amazing. Hearses are surprisingly comfortable. We pull in to my house, and I see that the TV is off. "That's odd." I thought to myself. I walk into the house to the sound of Paramore music. Even weirder. Miles almost never leaves the music player on. I don't mind because I love Paramore, so I act like nothing is up. "So Eli, this is basically my house in a nutshell." He cracks up at that, and I smile. Well, he didn't exactly crack up, he just sort of laughed sort of smirked. He then notices the Resident Evil game case. "Can we play some?" he asks, and I nod.

I teach Eli the basics, and he catches on really quickly. We play in multiplayer mode, and he almost beats me. I'm shocked. "Wait until Miles hears about Eli's serious skill." I think to myself. We play for hours and talk a lot. I explain the Paramore music, and he doesn't mind at all. I'm actually having a lot more fun than usual. Eli then says that he should get going and heads to his car. I watch him leave, and I feel happier than usual. I decide to make myself some ramen and start up on my homework. I don't have much come to think of it. The science teacher hasn't assigned homework yet (thank god) and math only really takes me fifteen minutes to do. I finish my homework and my ramen when I hear a knock on the door. I open it, and I see Miles and a girl that looks extremely familiar. "Audrey, this is the girl I'm dating. Say hello to Tanya".


	6. Chapter 5: I'm Not Okay, Part One

I hung out with Eli, Adam, and Clare for the rest of the week. Not many interesting things happened besides Wesley giving me the cold shoulder and me developing some "feelings" for Adam. I don't know why, but whenever I'm around him, I just want to kiss him, but Drew says he's not ready. I talked to him actually, and we don't really get along. He's one of those football kids, and since KC and I have become archenemies, you can kind of guess how all this turns out. I only like two of the football players, Riley and Zane. I get along with both of them, but I've gotten to know Zane a little better. He consoled me when I felt terrible about Wesley. He's a good guy, but we don't have any classes together, so it's kind of hard to keep up with him. I hear he's dating Riley. Good for him, and I'm not being sarcastic. After my movie review of Pulp Fiction, Ms. Dawes treats me like Wonder Woman. I feel pretty good. It's Friday, and this marks my official first full week at Degrassi. I still haven't figured out why Bianca called Adam a freak, but I have a feeling that I will soon.

I have plans to hang out with Adam, and we do so. We buy way too many comics. I don't mind at all, because Adam seems really turned on by the fact that I have a serious thing for comic books. I'm shaking inside. "Stupid hormones" I thought to myself. We then headed over to Adam's house to swap comics and read away, and I feel comfortable. It was me, Adam, and the rest of the house. It was nice. Adam is nice. My life is nice.

I then realize it's 5:30, and I get going. My bag feels a little weighed down with eighteen comic books in it plus school books. But I don't care, because I got to be with Adam, which is always great. I get home really quickly (turns out he doesn't live very far from me) and I wait a little while before I open the door. I hear all this laughing and bottle opening and all that, and I finally decide to open the door and what do I find? Miles and Tanya making out with empty bottles of seltzer scattered around. I then notice that the PlayStation and the video games that usually hang around were nowhere in sight. Was Miles trying to hide his gaming ability from Tanya? I'm kind of aggravated because Miles doesn't even acknowledge my presence, so I decide to take one of my cats up to my room, only to find it absolutely trashed.

I was horrified. My laptop looked as if it was flung on the floor, my camera case was broken, and my homemade movies were all knocked over. Did Miles do this? He has never done anything quite this…intense. He had however been acting really weird this week, but I was too angry to care. "Great" I thought to myself bitterly, "Now what am I supposed to show Adam and Eli when they come over?" I checked every single movie for any signs of dents and scratches. Luckily, there are none, so I place them all back on the shelf in alphabetical order, a very tedious process that took almost 20 minutes of my time. I checked the camera case, and there was a huge crack in it. Good thing there was no other damage to the camera, but I need to buy a new case. Sigh…yet more thing I need to buy. I managed to clean the entire room, still pissed and bitter. I heard Tanya laughing her laugh that makes me want to throw a brick at her, and I decide to listen to my Bjork mix to drown it all out. I feel good for a while, so I start relaxing on my bed.

Two hours later, Miles come clambering up to my room, uninvited. He smells like lime seltzer, and lots of it. "H—hey Audrey y—you missed t—the kil—ler party Tany—a and I had". I sat up quickly and paused my music. "Miles!" I exclaimed in anger, "Are you DRUNK?" He flung himself onto my bed, almost murdering my iPod. "Maybe…" he answers, his voice trailing off. He then starts this uncontrollable laughter, and I grow impatient. "Miles" I say firmly, "I want to know why my room was trashed and who did it." He kept on laughing and then took a sip of seltzer. "Ohhh, that. Tanya was druunnk. It was hilaarrious." And then he started laughing again. At least he told the truth, but dammit, I was PISSED. "DAMMIT MILES!" I shout, "Ever since you hooked up with that slut you've turned into a dumbass! Go party and get drunk somewhere else! I don't need you anymore!" And with that, he finally came to his senses. "Audrey, don't say things like that," he scolded, but I didn't listen. He was acting immature. I went downstairs to call Clare and rant about it all. She listened, and I felt good. But maybe Miles wasn't being a dumbass. Maybe he was just finally growing up, and I couldn't accept that. But after everything that has happened, I'm actually looking forward to school on Monday, so I call Eli and arrange weekend plans, because there's no way I'm spending it with Miles.


	7. Chapter 6: Be Your Love, Part One

The weekend went by quickly. I spent most of the time with Eli, and I tell him everything that happened with Miles and Tanya and how Miles got drunk and about my room being trashed. We talked, we hung out outside of my house, we walked around, and we took an awesome ride in Eli's hearse. I really can't stand cars and everything related to that, but there's just something about Eli's hearse that's so comfortable and great. I feel happy around Eli. We've become really good friends. Monday comes before I know it, and Adam promises he would walk to school with me. Normally he gets a ride from his mom, but he committed to the long walk that I take to school every day, because I can't stand taking the bus and Miles still can't afford a car yet, but I don't mind. Adam meets me at my house and we walk and read comic books. I've taught Adam the skill of reading and walking, and he's getting pretty good at it. I run into Wesley and we awkwardly greet each other. He's still not over it, I guess. But he's a really nice guy and I don't mind him at all, even though he is in grade ten. But Clare's in grade ten, so I guess there's no excuse there. I tell Adam about my weekend with Eli, and that he should have been there. Adam would have tagged along, but he was away with his dad.

Nothing interesting happened in class until I was making my way to study hall when I met Bianca. "Don't talk to me," I warned her, but she did anyway. "Look, I need to tell you something about Adam." My body suddenly went into panic stricken mode. She pulled me into the bathroom. My heart was racing for no reason at all. "Listen, I hate to break to you, but Adam is actually a girl," she said as if she wanted me to stop being friends with Adam. I was a little stiff for a while. I didn't know what to say, but I wasn't sure that Bianca was telling the truth. She is the school's biggest bitch after all. I darted out of the bathroom, hyperventilating inside. I calmly went to study hall when this girl named Anya came up to me. "Hey Audrey, are you alright? You look like you have a fever." I suddenly felt my face. It felt super warm, like freshly baked bread. I was kind of surprised. "I'm perfectly fine." I sort of lie, "I'm just a little embarrassed about something." Anya nods. We walk and talk together, and I decide that's she's a pretty decent person. Turns out we have study period together. We sit next to each other, because previously I had no friends in study period. We whisper to each other a little, and she confides that she likes larping, and I tell her that's okay, because I used to larp all the time in middle school. We are talking so much to each other that I even start to forget what Bianca told me until I saw him again.


	8. Chapter 7: Be Your Love, Part Two

I act around Adam as if I heard nothing about him, and he doesn't suspect anything, which is good, but my inner feeling tells me that when he comes over to my house after school, I'll need to break the news to him. During lunch, we eat with Clare. Eli apparently had some thing he didn't want to miss, so he wasn't with us. Clare and Adam talk while I draw some sketches. I catch Anya's eye and I make a small gesture to her, letting her know that I noticed her. I was starting to feel something in my body flutter, which was probably my hormones reacting to Adam, because lately I've had a huge crush on him. Like one where you have those weird daydreams about the person. I finish drawing, so I make my way to art class, which I've discovered I have with Anya. We have fun in the art room and discuss some books that we like. We share a few laughs and I actually feel really good. I'm making lots more friends in Degrassi. I share some of my larping stories with Anya and she's impressed.

School ends for the day, and I walk home with Adam to my house. I start feeling really uncomfortable. "You're going to have to break it to him eventually" I thought to myself. Adam and I however talked a little. Adam told me about how much he loathes Bianca. I could only agree, which tensed me up even more.

We finally enter my house. No sign of Miles. I take Adam upstairs. He immediately notices my huge collection of DVDs. "What are these?" he asks. "Oh, those are some old movies I made with my friends back in Montreal." I reply, and I tell him that he can borrow one if he wants. So he takes one off the shelf and puts it in his bag. "Now" my mind then tells me. "Adam," I start, "Bianca told me something…" I was having trouble finding the right words to say. "What did she tell you?" Adam demanded. I took a deep yet silent breath, and I broke the news. "Bianca said that you're actually a girl. But I didn't believe her, because I don't see any feminine features on you." I then look up to see Adam looking really tense. "Adam, if you are a girl, just show me now." I pleaded. "No!" he exclaimed, "JUST SHOW ME." I then yelled dramatically. There was a bit of a silence, and then Adam slowly started unbuttoning his shirt, tears falling slowly down his face. When the shirt was fully unbuttoned, revealed was a black tank top that had a bandage wrapped around his/her breasts. Time suddenly felt as if it stood still.

I didn't even know what to say at all. Everything all made sense now. The awkward moments, the quirks, the strange habits. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't get myself to. Thin tears streaming down his face. "Oh, Adam" I whisper, and he started to really cry. "Why didn't you tell me earlier?" I ask softly. "Because I thought you'd hate me if I told you. I really like you, and I didn't want to give you up— " And he cried some more. I felt really bad. "Adam, I still like you," I reassure him and s/he stops crying for a bit. "Adam, I get the whole deal about transgender people. "You didn't have to hide it from me. I am your friend after all" I add, and Adam rebuttons his/her shirt. "I still consider you a guy," I reassured him again, and Adam smiles. He wipes his tears and makes his way downstairs to the door.

It took me a while to process everything that just happened. I now know that Adam is the "transgender one", and I start fearing for his safety. If Miles finds out, it's back to Montreal for me. I have to either keep this a secret or try convince him that people like Adam aren't bad people, and their still humans. But I'm still not giving up my crush on Adam. Does that make me lesbian?


	9. Chapter 8: I'm Not Okay, Part Two

Adam wasn't at school on Monday. Go figure. I asked Drew why, and he said that Adam was sick. I believed Drew, but I felt sort of lonely without him. I mean, I am still on great terms with Eli, Clare, and Anya, but there's just something missing now. I feel incomplete.

The classes go by in a blur until English class comes along. "Hey," Clare whispers, "You've been acting really weird all day today. I've been kind of worried about you." I turn around to face Clare. "Look," I say, trying super hard to hide the impatience in my voice, "I'm sort of having some issues. It's about me and Adam. I'll talk to you at lunch, okay?" Clare nods in response. Class starts, and I feel dizzy. I can't focus very well, but why? My hand is shaking, and I feel Eli staring at me. "Is everything okay?" he whispers, but I'm not even sure. However, I do manage to finish my assignment, crappy handwriting and everything. "Audrey," Ms. Dawes says, "Your handwriting is not legible. What's wrong with you?" "I guess I'm just a little sick." I reply flatly. I don't really know what else to say.

Lunch arrives, and I'm trailing behind Eli and Clare. We sit outside. "Audrey, something is up," Eli confirmed as if I didn't know that, "What happened? Did Miles get drunk again? Did you and Adam fight? What!" I roll my eyes at all those assumptions, because they were all wrong. Miles hadn't touched a beer for the whole weekend, and Adam and I didn't "fight". "Look, guys," I start, my heart racing. "I kind of found out on Friday that Adam actually a…girl". Clare and Eli exchange glances. "And I think I still have a crush on him. Does that make me lesbian?" I openly ask. "No Audrey," Eli reassured me, "Adam is basically a boy because he feels like one. If you think Adam is a boy, great. And besides, there's nothing wrong with being lesbian." "Actually," I added, "In Miles' book, it's a sin. And if he finds out about Adam, I'm on my own." Eli raised his eyebrows. "Wow. Do you think you'll be okay?" he asked, now starting to really care. "I don't actually know," I admit.

I don't say a word to Anya about the whole Adam thing. We just continue our conversation about Dungeons and Dragons. She is way cooler than I thought she was, I have to admit. I show her my old portfolio of Anime drawings from my old school in Montreal, and she gets a huge kick out of that. "At least someone appreciates my artwork," I thought to myself, bitterly remembering my old art teacher.

When I get home, I suddenly have this huge urge to draw some more anime. So I do. I draw for a few hours until I hear Miles come home with Tanya. "Here we go again," I think to myself. Miles has been acting seriously different since he hooked up with Tanya. I loathe her. She makes Miles hide the video games and comics that make up who he really is, but Miles claims that he enjoys being with Tanya, so I don't bug them. I end up finishing 5 original pieces of manga just when Tanya leaves. Miles comes up to my room and takes the headphones off my ears. "Hey Audrey." He says. "Don't 'Hey Audrey' me" I thought. "What's up?" I respond. "Well," he started in that voice that's kind of like I-have-something-super-important to tell you. I brace myself.

"You know that Tanya and I have been dating for two weeks, right?" and I nod. "Well, we've become really close. And I don't really know any easy way to say this, but she has this really nice apartment that I've been visiting…" I wasn't sure where this was going, but I continued listening anyway. "And she has an extra bed there. So for a little while, I'm going to stay with her."

What. The. Hell.

"How could you be so f***ing stupid!" I shout, "Don't you even remember when mom and dad abandoned you? Don't you even remember how you felt? And you want to do that to me to experience fifteen years later!" "Audrey, you have to understand—" "No! I don't!" I cut him off, "You've been acting like a dumbass ever since that girl came in and ruined your life! I can't believe you! Get out of my room!" And with that, he slowly left. I was hyperventilating. I wasn't sure why I acted that way. I flung myself onto my bed. "Stupid, over the top me." I mumble to myself. I feel the urge to call Adam. I need to talk to him. I take my phone out.

_Drew: Hi. Audrey?_

_Me: Oh hi Drew, is Adam there?_

_Drew: No, sorry. Still sick. He'll probably be back tomorrow._

_Me: Oh. Okay_

_*hangs up*_

Great. Adam wasn't even there to talk to me. I didn't really want to call Eli, I'd already ranted enough to him, so I decide the best thing to do is just shove my headphones in and ignore the world. I'll try caring again tomorrow.


	10. Chapter 9: Whatever

Today is my first day without Miles in the house. I take out the PlayStation and set up the living room the way things used to be before Tanya took over. I take out a nectarine from the fridge and crash on the couch. I have a really bad headache, but I know that I still have to go to school regardless. I read a book and draw some, and everything seems a lot more peaceful. I actually feel sort of free for once. And this was also the first time I actually ate a real breakfast in a really long time.

I meet up with Adam, and I try to keep it natural. He seems to be perfectly fine, so we talk like nothing happened. "Um, Audrey," he started, "Drew's kind of being touchy about you finding out that I'm a-" but I cut him off right then and there. "Adam, I don't give a shit what Drew thinks. It's not that I have a persecution complex against him, it's just that Drew needs to stay out of your business and let you live!" "Audrey! It's not like that! It's just, when Owen found out about my actual gender, him and this other guy really hurt me, so Drew tried stepping in, and things didn't end well. And to be honest, Drew doesn't really trust you." "Exactly my point," I murmured. But I don't stay mad at Adam for long. We just continue talking about other things, and things loosen up a little between us. I guess it must be really hard on Adam, being transgender. He can't be one hundred percent normal like most kids. But it's kind of like whenever I'm around him, I get this fluttery feeling inside, like I want to kiss him or make out with him or whatever. What Eli told me the other day about me liking Adam made me feel a lot better, but what about Bianca? If she ever finds out that I have a love interest in Adam, I'll never hear the end of it. But honestly, I can't really care what Bianca thinks. She is the school's biggest bitch after all.

All the classes go by in one huge blur, except for English with Eli and Clare. I sit next to Eli and Clare is one seat in front of us. I'm actually having lots of fun in that class with Eli and Clare. And now because if this class, my writing has been getting a bit better now. It's a great class, and since Adam and I need some space for now, it works out. Eli talks to a lot to me, and we're still getting along. We're pretty close by now.

Science class goes by slowly, and it's the worst class of the day. Luckily, it's the last class, so it's not that bad. But the worst thing is that it's a tenth and eleventh grade class, so of course I have KC there. I hate him with a burning passion, because get this; He got his girlfriend Jenna pregnant, and then he just abandoned her like no big deal. I found out from Zane and Drew. KC sits next to me just to get me pissed off, but I say nothing. "Hey," he whispers to me, "Emo boy got you down again?" I try ignoring him as best I can since he was referring to Eli, and those two don't get along either. "What a d**k." I think to myself. Eli is a great guy, having his own style and not being afraid to speak his mind and all. Him and Clare make a great couple. Of course, KC tries again and again to piss me off until I break with a, "Dammit KC! You actually told your girlfriend to get an abortion! How immature can you get?" "And where did you hear that crap?" He hissed. I rolled my eyes. "Listen KC, everyone already knows that Jenna's pregnant. You honestly think that I wouldn't know?" "Well, you are a new kid…" he admits, and I smirk. "KC, I'm really not that dumb. And if you think I am, then you're just making up for your stupidity. Sorry. And yes, I do know what it's like to live in a group home, so do the world a favor and just don't judge me like that".

That shut him up.

I meet up with Eli again today, and I tell him all about my little argument with KC. Eli finds this hilarious. Come to think of it, KC's comebacks were so pathetic that they were funny. But what wasn't funny was that KC actually wanted Jenna to get an abortion. How twisted is that? I try getting my mind off of the topic by playing some Final Fantasy with Eli. He said he wasn't in the mood for Resident Evil, and to be honest, I wasn't either. I don't know why, but I think it's because I played it so many times. Final Fantasy is the best time killer ever though.

Eli leaves eventually, and I'm pretty happy with my progress in Final Fantasy. After all these years I'm finally getting the hang of that game.

My phone rings, and I check who it is. When I see it's Adam, I am instantly in the best mood. I immediately press the "Talk" button.

_Me: Adam?_

_Adam: Hey Audrey!_

_Me: Um, hi Adam. So…you're just calling out of the blue? _(I was kind of hoping he was, because that would have just made my life six thousand times more amazing)

_Adam: Not really. I wanted to tell you that you should come to school early tomorrow. Drew has football practice, and I have to come. I would like someone to keep me company, so…_

_Me: Yeah I see where this is going. What time?_

_Adam: I think it starts at 7:00 am_

_Me: Wow. Okay, I'll try to be there!_

_Adam: Thanks Audrey! You're the best_

I sort of get this happy feeling in my stomach at the sound of this.

_Me: No problem. See you then!_

_*hangs up*_

Even though watching a football practice isn't exactly the most exciting thing in the world, I get to be with Adam. If it was anyone else besides him, I would reject. I know I'm probably sounding boy obsessed, but this is actually the first time I've ever felt this close to someone. It's not like I've never had a boyfriend before, because I have, but it's not the same as this.

I throw myself onto my bed and listen to some music to ease my mind and all these weird daydreams of love related things flood my mind. "Oh great," I think to myself, "I really am boy obsessed".


	11. Chapter 10: Fidelity

open my eyes at realize that it's around 6:03 am. My usual waking up time, even though I feel asleep around 5:10 pm yesterday. Odd. I shake the thought out of my head and head downstairs to see if any messages were left on the answering machine. There was one. I'm positive it was Adam. But, I was proven wrong.

"_Hey Audrey. It's Miles. Hope you're doing okay. Everything is fine over here. Call me at 433-3471. Please call soon."_

Now that was really odd. Miles almost never does that. "Must be instincts from Tanya" I think to myself. I rush back upstairs and do my usual morning routine, super excited to see Adam. "See you soon, Mindy" I say to my cat, but I know that she probably didn't understand, but I didn't mind. I used to talk to my cats all the time when I was eleven, but then Miles lost tolerance, so I stopped. My mind is crammed with dreams that I had the following night, but I manage to stay aware of cars and other road hazards.

When I finally got to the school, Adam was already waiting for me. "Did you miss me for three minutes?" he asks, and I playfully roll my eyes. I can already hear the sounds of football from where I am standing, and they aren't pleasant, so I sneakily walk to the secret spot, and Adam follows silently behind me. We can't let anyone see us go here or else we might be accused of walking off school grounds. Why, I don't know, but the teachers here are super overprotective about that sort of thing. The rock feels a little wet this time, but I sit down anyway. I can still see the football field, so I have to keep caution in case anyone heard what was happening over here.

"So Audrey, how's life without Miles?" Adam asks, and I smile a little. "It's definitely more calm. No more pop music, no more scattered seltzer and beer bottles, and I can now play video games whenever I want". I catch Adam looking at me and smiling, which I guess means we both feel really good. We talk about other things for a while until I think to myself, "You know you love him, so tell him. Now.". But the words couldn't come out. I was thinking of every possible thing to say until I felt Adam staring at me in a way that sort of said, "Do you love me?" and I finally look back at him. I'm feeling a lot of discomfort. Things get quiet in my head until Adam finally leans over, and our lips touch. It was graceful and wasn't rushed, or at least I didn't think so. When we finally stopped, Adam was in a bit of a state of shock. "Uhh…wow," was the only thing that he could say. But then I sort of got this strange feeling like he knew this was going to happen. "Is that what you really think of me?" I ask, and Adam nods in response. I'm smiling like an idiot and we kiss a little more. "Audrey, this might sound weird, but I've been crushing on you ever since I saw you". I raised my eyebrows and think to myself, "How cliche. Love it". "Really? Because I've felt the same way for a while." I reply. He laughed and then said, "I sort of guessed."

My mind was filled with magical thoughts of Adam. I felt a lot closer to him now that we were actually a couple, but I was starting to have a feeling that Bianca was becoming suspicious of us two, because she was giving me weird looks all through art class. Did she find out that we kissed before school started? I hoped in my head that she wouldn't start spreading rumors. I decided to go talk to Zane about this. He's great about this sort of thing, being openly gay and all. I've also started to notice that we've been spending a lot more time together than usual. He greets me during Pre Calculus, the only class we now have together since Zane transferred into first period Pre Calculus, which might be the cause of us socializing more. Zane's a great guy.

I finally meet up with him before Science class starts. "Hey Zane, can I talk to you for a little bit?" He looks around and then says, "What's up?" "Well…" I started, my voice trailing a little, trying to find the right words to say. "Uh, today Adam and I, we sort of…" I looked around to make sure that nobody was listening. "we sort of…kissed. And you could call us a couple now." Zane of course thinks this is the greatest thing ever, which makes me feel better. "So…is that it?" he asks. "No." I reply, "You know that Adam is actually a girl, right?" I whisper, and Zane nods. "I do consider Adam a guy, but if Bianca finds out that we're dating, she'll kill me. Since you seem to be okay with Riley, I was hoping you could give me some advice." "Well first of all, never physically hurt her, because that will just make her more intolerant of you and Adam together. I think you two should just go on like everything is neutral, because if you don't, Bianca will notice more." I smile and thank Zane for the advice. I see Adam in the hall on the way to science class, and he puts his arm around my shoulders. I loosen up a little. "Hey, did you tell Eli and Clare about us?" and he nods. "Your house after school?" he asks, "Yeah, I'd like that." I reply, and I make my way to science, in the best mood ever.

I seriously had every reason to be the happiest girl in school. I have the best and nicest boyfriend ever, Miles can't bother me that much, even though he still has custody over me, I have so many friends, school is getting easier and easier for me, and everything is great. I don't even hear KC as he tries tormenting me. I'm too happy.

Class lets out, and Eli is already walking with me. "Missed you at lunch," he says, "How are you and Adam?" and I can't help it but smile. "Guess" I tell him just to kid around, and before he can answer I see Adam. "Gotta go," I tell Eli, "See you tomorrow!" And before I know it, Eli is walking towards Morty with Clare.

"So, what smart ass remarks did you throw at KC today?" Adam asks me, "Actually" I say matter of factly, "I didn't really hear him. Isn't that weird?" "Oh Audrey, you really are obsessed now!" and we both laugh.

When we get to my house, Adam picks up one of my cats and goes up to my room. I follow along, and we watch Firefly for hours. I felt so comfortable with Adam I don't even have to speak. We just sit there and watch on the little television I have along with hearing Mindy (my cat) purr really loudly because Adam is scratching her in the "favorite spot". It does remind me of the days back when I was eleven and I used watch Buffy and eat carrot sticks and have all three cats sprawled out on my bed without Miles telling me that I was acting crazy. But I started to not care about those things as much, because I was with Adam, and that's all I could think of.

It was only until the last episode on the disc ended that I came to my senses. "I should get going," Adam told me, and he let Mindy off the bed. "Great show," he then said, "Yeah, I love Firefly," I reply, and I go downstairs to unlock the door for him. "Thanks for coming, see you tomorrow." I say, and then it was back to homework for me. How appropriate.


	12. Chapter 11: Clear The Area

**NOTE: Yes, this is a "filler" chapter. If you want, you can skip this. I don't mind.**

To say that my life is perfect is an understatement. Adam and I were meant to be.

It's been two weeks since Adam and I hooked up. Bianca and Owen and all those people know about it, and I just tell them to screw off and get out of our business. Simple as that. And no matter how much prejudice everyone gives us, we're still together, even if Owen pissed me off so badly that I had to smash my bedroom mirror just to get my anger out. I paid for a new one myself so Miles wouldn't suspect anything... if he ever comes home.

Today my cousins Kiral and Izel (yes, they are girls) are coming from Turkey to come visit me. How I have Turkish cousins is a very, very long story. But the more important thing is that apparently they want to go on a "double date" ever since they found out that I now have a boyfriend. The only problem is that neither of the two actually have a boyfriend (or a girlfriend since Izel is apparently lesbian now) so I'm sort of wondering how this will all work out in the end. I call Adam to tell him the news while I hear Izel and Kiral yelling at each other in Turkish. I know some of the language, so I can vaguely understand what they are saying. They are arguing about something Kiral ate at the Dot apparently. Huh.

I wait for what seems like an eternity until Adam's voice comes on.

Adam: Audrey! Hey! I was just about to call you, but Drew's been all over the phone lately Me: Ha. I understand what you mean. So are my cousins Adam: Cousins?

_Me: Yeah, my cousins from Turkey Kiral and Izel came to visit. They apparently wanted to see "only me"_

_Adam: Do they know English?_

_Me: Yeah, they're pretty good. They would like to go see a rerun of The Princess Bride. I have no idea why, but I don't really feel like seeing it again, so I was kind of hoping that—_

_Adam: You want me to come with you?_

_Me: That's exactly why I called! Can you?_

_Adam: Sure! Why not?_

_Me: Okay. Meet us at the small theater at 6:30, okay?_

_Adam: Alright! See you then!_

_*hangs up*_

Apparently Izel and Kiral heard my entire conversation and they were chuckling. They like me well enough I suppose, but they thing I'm the weirdest being ever. Which can pay off, because then they're not bored around me. To kill time, I let them watch me play Lego Star Wars (one of the easiest games in history) while I have a conversation with them in Turkish. It eats up a lot of time, even though it takes me usually barely an hour before I've totally beaten the game. Kiral consistently asks me how a girl can play games like me. "Because Kiral, just because boys are usually the ones who are better at games doesn't mean girls can't kick ass as well." I consistently remind her, but she just rolls her eyes and continues working away on her embroidered lamb that's going to be on her scarf. It's actually looking pretty nice. "Nice lamb," I say to Kiral, and she only smiles back, because she's working so hard. I guess back in Udulag it's her job. She _is_ eighteen, so I'm guessing she does embroidery for a living. "Audrey, can I please have a turn?" Izel pleaded, but I shook my head, "Not yet," I mutter. I'm sort of obsessed with making sure that nobody messes up my game. "I have an idea," I announce, and I pause my game to get my GameBoy. "Play Zelda. It's really fun." Izel could've cared less which game she was playing, she just wants to be into video games, like me. We play for an hour until we realize that we should probably get going. By then I've long past finished Lego Star Wars and was on to Lego Indiana Jones, which is even easier but I didn't care.

As Izel was driving and playing some soothing Turkish music, I was thinking about some things Adam and I could do until Izel and Kiral were finished with their movie. There was no way they would believe me if I said I wasn't interested in the movie, so I had to think of some other excuse to getting out of seeing the movie with them. I remembered that they were also doing a rerun of Kill Bill, which sounded pretty interesting, and I was sure Adam would want to see that. "Um, Izel," I broke the silence awkwardly. "Hm" she responded. "I heard there was a rerun of Kill Bill at the movie—" "And you were hoping that you could see that instead of The Corpse Bride. I know, I know," Kiral broke in, sort of mocking me. "Yeah…" I replied, flashing her a look of distress. Kiral is super unpredictable these days, but I try ignoring her anyway.

The car exhales to a stop, and I already see Adam, waiting for me. We kiss and he wraps an arm around my shoulders. I breathe in his pine tree scent and I can't help but smile. My eyes flash to Kiral, who is rolling her eyes. "I'll leave you two lovebirds to your movie," Izel sings, and she is gone with Kiral in a flash. "So, what movie are we seeing?" Adam asks, "Kill Bill 1. Are you okay with that?" I reply, and Adam smiles. "I haven't seen anyone go into that movie." I raise my eyebrows. "What are you trying to say?" I ask, but Adam only smirked. We walk in, and he was right. We were the only two in the movie. I took full advantage and sat down in the nice back booth with the burgundy leather seats, which I've sat in very few times because everyone wants that spot. I'm all into the movie, but I can tell Adam is more into me than the movie. I bear with it for a while until the movie is over, and that's when Adam takes full advantage of the dark room and no one around. He lets his lips touch mine and almost accidentally knocks me down. He's super into it, and I'm questioning his level of classiness by now. I finally forced myself off him.

I was completely startled. "Adam," I breathed, exasperated. "Whoa. I don't want to go that far." "Wait, I'm not allowed to kiss my own girlfriend?" He whispered. "No. It's not that," I whispered back, "It's just," and I look around "I don't want sex" I whisper in an even quieter voice. "Chill. I have a condom," "Wait, what?," I whisper, "Besides, I'm allergic to freakin condoms anyway!" Adam raised in eyebrows in surprise. "And you didn't tell me…" "I thought it would be embarrassing". It was an awkward exchange between the two of us, and Adam did eventually come back to reality. "Sorry...I was...getting caught up". We heard Kiral and Izel's voices from the theater, and Kiral sounded angry. I couldn't exactly make out everything she said, but I could tell it was something about disgust. Adam and I walked out of the theater, and I was telling Izel about Kill Bill, and now she wants to see it. "See you soon, Audrey," Adam whispered as he playfully kissed me on the neck, and then left the theater. I felt Kiral's icy glare as I took my phone out and started texting Clare. "You're disgusting" she hissed, and I knew why, but how?


	13. Chapter 12: Angry Angel

I spend my weekend quietly playing Final Fantasy and talking a little with Izel. Kiral's never been in the mood to talk anymore since she "could tell" that Adam is transgender, which is contrary to her beliefs. Also, Kiral's been ranting a lot. In this instance, Adam has taught me the basic skill of shoving in my headphones and blasting Lord of The Rings Music. Incredibly geeky, I know,  
but it works really well, so I use the skill anyway. (Mental Note: I should probably pass this info on to Wesley). Also, my cousins have been arguing so much, I'm actually thankful to come back to school and see all my friends again. Adam's completely over the incredibly awkward incident in the movie theater, and I explained to him everything he needed to know about Kiral and her little issues with people like him, which of course ticks him off, as usual. "Adam, not everyone is going to accept you the way most people do," I remind him over and over again, but it never registers, which I guess wont hurt anyone, so I'd say that for now, I'll let it go.  
Before I know it, Monday hits me like fifty needles repeatedly being stabbed in my brain. I'm groggy and unfocused, and I even have trouble coming down the stairs. But after some toast with soy butter and a cup of lemon tea, I feel better. And just then the phone rings.  
_Adam: Audrey?_

_Me: Adam! Hi! Why this early?_

_Adam: I was just wondering if you wanted to meet me at the The Dot soon._

_Me: For what?_

_Adam: Nothing special. I just thought we could take a stop before we made it to school._

_Me: Um, okay. I'll be out in three minutes_

_Adam: Okay, thanks_

*hangs up*

I've actually only been to The Dot once, and I can already tell that it is amazing. I had a sandwich and some iced tea there, and it was probably the best thing I'd had since a macaroon. I'm out the door in literally three minutes, and Adam is already overcrowding my head with questions like, "Why didn't I see you all weekend? How are your cousins? Are they back in Turkey? What's going on over there?" I can only sigh and answer his questions one by one. "I wasn't feeling well all weekend, my cousins are fine, no, they're not in Turkey yet, but next week, and nothing much is going on." Adam smirks in amusement of my somewhat sarcastic tone and swings the glass door open to The Dot, and I can already feel a stare. I look to see who it is, and it's this guy with a really weird haircut, a sort of tight face, narrow, catlike eyes, and an overall thug like appearance. He's whispering to his friends, and I can already tell he has some sort of plan to get my attention. He is sort of attractive, but I'm taken, and I have no intentions of cheating. I sit down at a table with Adam and chomp away on a croissant. "That guy who was looking at you," Adam whispers, "That's Fitz. He's the guy who got arrested for bringing a knife to the dance. He tormented me". I raise my eyebrows in confusion. "Arrested?" I echo, "How long has it been?" "I can't tell," Adam replied, "But he's trouble. Just stick close to me." I listen to Adam, but I can't help but take one quick look at Fitz. Our eyes meet, and he smiles at me. I smile a little back, but not enough for Adam to catch me.  
I'm just about to leave The Dot, when "Fitz" walks up to me. Adam gives me a look of warning, but it's too late. Fitz is already talking. "Hey, you knew here?" "Yeah," I reply, "I started the second half of the year here. You?" "Nah, I'm not in that school anymore. Are you Audrey?" My eyes widen. "You know me?" Fitz smirks. "No, I just heard there was this 'New Girl' and that 'Oh yeah...she's Audrey'" I actually laugh a little at his mocking tone when he explains how he found out about me. "I gotta go, but I'll see you around?" Fitz flashes a little half smile and says, "Yeah, I will." And I'm out the door, turning around just one last time to make sure I knew what his face completely looked like. I smile to myself, but Adam interrupts my thoughts.  
"What the hell was all that?" he hissed, demanding an answer. "Chill Adam," I reply, "He seemed decent". Adam rolled his eyes in response. "Sure. But just wait until you get to know him." "Adam, I'm sure he'll be fine around me," I reassure him, "People can change".  
Adam acted awkwardly around me for a while, so I decided to spend some more time with Zane and Eli today, but my plans for Eli were ruined when I overheard Adam and Eli talking outside. I used my ninja like skill and managed to hear everything they were saying. "So all she did was greet Fitz and now you're thinking something is up?" Eli challenged Adam, and I knew instantly Adam blabbed about me to Eli. "Look Eli, I might be a little paranoid, but Fitz can ruin anyone in seconds. You should know that." "Can you just let go of the whole Clare/Fitz incident already?" Eli exclaimed, and I was really surprised. Eli doesn't normally act this way around situations. "Maybe he didn't want to be reminded of whatever happened" I thought to myself, but before I could finish my thoughts, Adam was already walking away from Eli, and I needed to make things look like I wasn't up to anything for that time being, so I walk in the opposite direction of Adam, although my next class is right where Adam is walking, but I can't let him suspect anything.  
The day is soon over, and Adam and I are walking home. "Don't ever talk to Fitz again" Adam tells me, his voice stiff. "Adam, why not? If Fitz does anything bad to me, then I'll just avoid him. It's that simple". "But you don't get it!" he exclaimed. "He tortured me! He threw me into a glass door!" "Listen!" I interrupt him, my voice pierced with rage "I don't understand why you're making such a big deal out of it all! It's pretty much over now, right? Fitz can't really hurt you at all anymore!" And with that, we both fell silent and walked in different directions. I hope this wasn't a breakup, because that's the last thing I need in my life.


	14. Chapter 13: I Loved You First

I didn't even bother calling Adam when I got home, because I knew he was in no mood to talk with me. I missed him at home, but I knew that it wasn't worth it to talk to him, so I decided to just read some manga for a while, but that was no use. I was becoming worried about the things left unsaid, like whether or not Adam and I broke up or not. I then realized that the only thing left to do was call Miles. We hadn't talked in a while anyway.

_Miles: Audrey?__  
Me: Hi Miles__  
Miles: Why are you calling?_  
_Me: Because I have no one else to talk to._  
_Miles: What about that Eli kid?_  
_Me: Already talked to him. Anyway, why are you being so pushy?_  
_Miles: Uhh...Audrey, you know what, I got to go._  
_I suddenly hear a squealing girl who didn't sound like Tanya in the background._  
_Me: Miles, is everything okay?_  
_Miles: Hm, what? Oh yes Audrey don't worry. I'm fine._  
*hangs up*  
Well that was the most awkward phone conversation ever. We usually talk for longer than that, but I knew that something else was up as other than he just didn't want to talk. For one thing, he was for sure not with Tanya, when he almost always is. And for another thing, he sounded like he had strep throat. But I couldn't care about any of that right now, I was too tired. So I lay down outside in the sun and took a long rest, even though I knew I'd regret it tomorrow.  
Turns out I didn't get a sunburn from sleeping outside, but one of the neighbors thought I was insane, just lying there in my backyard. But I didn't care, because I really needed to rest. Plus, it's good to be in the fresh air once in a while. I grabbed my bag and started walking to school until I saw Wesley on his bike. "Can I join you?" I called after him, and he turned his bike around and set it against a tree. "I thought you hated me!" he exclaimed, and I can't help it but smirk. "Welsey, I don't hate you." I assured him, and he raised his eyebrows in a way that almost made me burst out laughing. "You really want to come to school with me?" he asked, "Well, we are neighbors after all," I replied, and went to go get my bike. I looked back a little to see Welsey overjoyed at the fact that he would actually get to spend time with me. I actually think he's pretty decent. Is he a relationship type? No. But is he a friend type? Yes.  
We talk a lot and my head feels clearer. I don't know whether it's riding my bike or talking to Wesley, but I feel so much better. I need to spend more time with other friends I guess. But as soon as I see Adam, reality strikes me. I then remember that no matter how fun Wesley is, I have a boyfriend, who can have a persecution complex, who is also incredibly touchy. I don't show any sign of being upset to Wesley though, because I seriously can't ruin this for him, not after how nice he's been to me. "Hey," Adam says cooly, walking toward my bike. "This is a first," he adds, obviously addressing my bike. "I thought it would be good to ride for once". Adam then notices Wesley, and he rolls his eyes. "So this is what happens when I don't see you," he whispers so that Wesley doesn't hear. "Adam, we're just friends" I remind him, but he doesn't care.  
I didn't talk to Adam much for a while, maybe because I didn't feel like it. I was walking quietly in the hall until Eli came around. "Haven't seen you in a while," he tells me, "What's up with you lately?" I sigh and explain to him everything. From my cousins to Fitz. "You met Fitz?" he asked, completely exasperated. "Yeah...why? He was fine around me", but Eli didn't listen. Instead, he just went on and on about all the "Fitz trauma" he suffered in the beginning of the year. It was the same thing that Adam told me yesterday. I didn't bother arguing, so I just let it be. But what if they were right? What if Fitz really was bad news? But then if that were the case, why would he be let out of juvy so soon? I push the thoughts out of my head and make my way to art class. I can't think of all this right now.  
The day goes by super slowly. I bike home alone because Wesley left early. But as soon as I unlock my bike, Adam is walking in my direction. "Okay, I want to know what's up," he demanded "I don't know what you're talking about," I mutter, and I honestly don't. "First it's Fitz, now it's Wesley." "Look Adam, guys and girls can hang out and just be friends!" I exclaim, feeling incredibly frustrated with him. "I guess I'll never not be a third wheel, will I?" he hissed, and by this point I was feeling frustrated, but I needed to get home. I walked my bike and Adam followed along. "What's going on?" he asked, "I don't have time for this" I answered, and I parked my bike in my garage and went inside. Adam once again followed along, his eyes reflecting anger. "Audrey, stop playing around. You want to break up with me," "For the last time, I don't want to break up with you! You're just hiding your insecurities about our relationship with Fitz excuses!" I looked up at Adam, and tears were streaming down his face. I felt terrible. "Audrey, you're right," he admitted, "I can't do this. Not now at least". My eyes grew wide. "So, does this mean you want to break up?," and Adam nodded.  
My heart sank as Adam unlocked the back door and headed home. I felt like such an idiot. I should have known that this was going to happen. I had seen all the signs but I didn't want to admit it. I'm starting to wonder if things will ever be the same for us. I blew my chance, and it's all over now. I can't fix anything, because like Miles says, "Only time can fix a broken heart". And I sigh, starting to miss his presence, his welcoming grin, and his attempts to beat Resident Evil but always getting stuck around level four. To summarize it all, I just feel broken if you want a word for it. It might take a while before I start actually caring again. But for now, I don't.


	15. Chapter 14: And I Bleed

I wake up the next morning and I want to cry, but I don't. I feel nothing.

The result of feeling nothing is that you start to not care what happens to you, which I don't. In fact, the edge of Miles' electric shaver cut my arm in the bathroom, and I didn't care. I just covered up the wound with a paper towel and slipped on an elastic hair tie around my wrist, reason being if I ever feel the urge to cut myself on purpose, I can just whack myself with the hair tie and I might feel a little better. I used to cut myself over littler things when I was thirteen, like whether or not Miles would get me dinner every night or if I failed an important test. But that was when I was stupider. My life has become even more intense ever since, but cutting hasn't taken place for two years, which is pretty good.

I slip on a jacket and I head out the door, blasting rock music and kicking a single pebble down the sidewalk. I hear Eli's hearse amid all the noise, but I don't stop to talk, and I don't care what happens, because I know whatever it is, it'll probably hurt me. I don't mean to hurt Eli in any way, because he is my best friend, but I don't feel like talking. I don't feel like interacting. It will be a miracle if I even survive the school day, which probably isn't going to happen since Adam and I broke up.

I've only been in the building for four minutes and fifteen seconds when Clare is all over me. "Audrey! What's going on? You've been acting weird! I mean, I know you and Adam broke up but, why did you ignore Eli?" She goes on and on until I turn around. "Look Clare, I really don't want to talk about it, okay?" and she nods. Honestly, there is nothing to talk about, because I feel nothing. I'm avoiding Adam because that's the only thing I care about. I even make it to Pre Calculus without running into him once. I force a smile on my face when Zane asks if he can sit with me, and I let him. He is my friend after all. Holly J sits on my right, where Adam usually sits, and I feel a prick inside me, but I tell myself to not care. The class drags on and my clouded thoughts are interrupted when Holly J nudges me. "Audrey," she whispers loudly, "How do you solve the third problem?" I stop tapping my pencil and guide her through it. She looks surprised because normally I would sigh and reluctantly guide her through the complex problem, but this time I don't mind. Maybe not being with Adam isn't such a bad idea. Maybe it was all the better. I'll find out later today.

French class comes right around the corner, and I get there surprisingly early, so I read some Naruto manga just to amuse myself, and right when I start getting comfortable, Jenna comes out of the blue. "Still reading manga?" she scoffs, and I roll my eyes. "Yes. You have a problem with my geeky habits?" I reply flatly. Jenna is taken aback by my comment, maybe because I didn't sound defensive at all. "You could come shopping with me...your punk/geek clothes just wont-" "I'm not interested, okay?" I interrupt "My clothes are fine". Normally I would snap at her with some clever comeback, but I don't have the strength to do so today. I just want to be left alone. Eli saunters in and takes the seat to my left. "You look pale," he whispers loudly, and I touch my face. It feels cold and hard. "I'm okay," but Eli glances at me nervously. Why does he care so much? I mean, we are best friends, but it's just weird. He doesn't usually act this way towards people. I push the thought out of my mind and try to concentrate, but for some reason I can't. My mind is spinning with thoughts, emotions, frustrations, and lots of anger. However, for some bizarre reason I manage to take notes in class, even though my head hurts like hell.

As soon as French ended, I decided that I needed to skip a class. Get some air, lie down, something. I can't go to English today. Not now. I get some permission from the nurse to skip a class and I make my way to the library. Zane catches up with me. He notices that I'm not going to class, and I explain how sick I'm feeling. It was then that I realized I have never been to the library yet, and when I got in, I could already tell it was paradise. I handed the librarian my note and she let me sit in a comfy chair, a huge stack of various manga comics to read for the time being. This was the best third period I've ever witnessed in my life. The library was silent, and I was so comfortable that I started losing sight of reality until I realized Jenna was shaking me. "What the hell are you doing here?" I hiss at her. "Sorry Audrey, but it's time for fourth period and...wow. That's a lot of manga". I roll my eyes and make my way to Art class. Freedom.

Anya is bombarding me with questions like, "Hey Audrey, are you feeling okay? What mangas are you reading right now? You look pale, shouldn't you go home?" I tell her that I'm fine and that currently I'm reading Maximum Ride. Like she cares, but it's nice to have some conversation. Sav comes near our table. Him and Anya awkwardly greet each other and I just lock my eyes on my cubism project as the two argue over some ink until Sav snatches and in three seconds my shirt is covered in black ink. The whole room goes silent. Ms. Dawes is pissed, and Sav looks like he just caught having unprotected sex (no, I'm not exaggerating). "Audrey, I am so sorry," and I rush to the bathroom, trying to scrub off as much as possible. I overheat in my jacket for the rest of the day.

I don't even bother caring about anything that KC has to say in science class, because I don't want to hear it. In fact, I'm so intolerant right now that I just get up and sit near Dave. I don't want to hear it anymore, because I don't care. Of course Dave is thrilled that I'm near him, which does make me feel a little better. Turns out I got a 35 out of 100 for my latest science quiz. I shake my head, even though I actually don't care very much. On a normal day I would, but not today.

During my lonely walk home, I feel Adam's stare on the back of my neck. I ignore it and just turn up my music even louder. I don't even stop to turn around and talk. He's the last person I want to talk to today. He's the reason why I feel like shit. I open the door and I see Miles on the couch, his left hand palm up on his forehead, mouth slightly open. My eyes dart to Tanya in the kitchen fixing up some sort of ramen. "What are you doing here?" I ask her, and she playfully rolls her eyes, acting like a ditz as usual. She ran her fingers through her black hair. "Audrey, the door was unlocked and I couldn't get to my place. Miles was high on narcotics, so he's crashed here for now." She then goes on and on about how they went to this killer party and there were narcotics and crap. My mind wanders and I just go up the stairs to my room. I don't want to hear her shrill voice now. It's giving me a horrible headache.

I sit down at my desk and I put my head in my hands. I feel worse than bad. Not physically, but emotionally. I go to get my backpack when my elbow knocks down a small plastic container, spilling a needle and a piece of linen that has an unfinished monkey embroidered on it. It was Kiral's old embroidered monkey that she made a while back, but my eyes locked on the needle. "No. I'm not going to cut, please no" I thought to myself. But my eyes wouldn't let go of it's gaze on the needle. "F**k this," I thought to myself and I picked up the needle with two fingers. I took off my jacket and I fingered the accidental cut from Miles' electric shaver from earlier today. I start to realize that the cut, now that I think about it, felt pretty good. There was no stopping me now, so I pressed the needle as hard as I could and I started bleeding, but not only that, I started to relax a lot. I was reassured that I am still alive, and I don't even cry. It feels great, truthfully. I feel relaxed and a whole hell of a lot better. I'm whole now. But then another problem came to mind. I can't cut in school because people will smell the blood, so I slip a hair tie on my wrist so I can whack myself with it because apparently it's a form of cutting therapy, even though it's not as satisfying as cutting, because the relaxation only comes in short bursts, but I can deal for now. I also make sure to hide any evidence of me cutting so Miles does'nt suspect anything, and that's the last thing I need. I need to be private.


	16. Chapter 15: Joga, Part One

The alarm clock buzzes and I get up to turn it off. I lightly touch my three new cuts on my right arm and I remember that it's best that I hide them, so I put on some old green and blue plaid zipper hoodie over my short sleeved shirt so nobody would see the cuts. I fix my hair and I make my way downstairs, finding that Miles and Tanya are nowhere in sight, meaning they have already left for their apartment. I realize it's Saturday, and I'm instantly in the best mood ever. I decide that I am going to walk around town today, clear my mind, or anything I could think of, because I wasn't spending another weekend playing Kingdom Hearts and attempting to keep my cats occupied.

I swing the door open, and I scan the outside area, trying to see where I should avoid interaction with Adam. I ignore the thoughts and head over to The Dot, because what's the worst thing that's going to happen if I run into him? That I'll ignore him? Sure. Let that be the worst thing that happens, because I don't care what happens to him right now. He broke up with me over Fitz, which is immature. "But I've got to get over him," I thought to myself. I keep walking when I run into Drew. "Audrey, can we talk?" I rolled my eyes. "What is there to talk about? I'm over it all," I lied, but at least he stopped talking to me, even though he did follow me into The Dot, and I'm hoping that it was just a coincidence that he was going in. I catch Zane's eye and I take a sit next to him. "I missed you last night," he says, and I raise my eyebrows. "I was supposed to do something last night?" I asked, feeling like an idiot. "Yeah, we were kind of going to do some drawing together". I feel confused "I was?" and Zane nods. "But that's okay. I knew you were sick yesterday". And that was when I wanted to tell him the truth. I wanted to tell him that after I had cut myself I felt much better. I wanted to tell him that I'm stealing from me and Adam breaking up, but I don't. I don't want to make a scene.

I'm sipping my iced tea when my right arm starts stinging. At first I thought an insect bit me, but then I remembered the cuts. My good mood of talking to Zane suddenly erupted into sadness, even though my face didn't show it. "I'll be right back," I tell Zane, and just as I'm heading to the bathroom, I see Fitz. "What do you want," I hiss. He was the reason Adam and I aren't happy together anymore. I mean, he didn't do much wrong except exist in Adam's opinion, but I still can't help but feel bitter. "Just wanted to say hi," he replied, "No need to get so touchy," "I just need to get to the bathroom, okay?" and with that, I rushed in to the girls bathroom, lifted my sleeve, and I found my cuts pulsing with blood that wasn't going to stop rushing any time soon. I took a huge wad of paper towel and made my way to a stall, making sure that nobody would see me. I whack myself a couple times with my hair tie around my wrist and I keep patting down the blood that was spreading with no mercy. I didn't even cut that deep.

It took three minutes before they all stopped bleeding. My black Marilyn Manson shirt was stained at the right sleeve with blood, and that was when I knew I should probably keep my hoodie on all day. I might swelter, but I can't risk anything. Besides, I know how to hide cuts from experience, not that it's a good skill in general, but right now it comes in handy.

When I get out the bathroom, I see Fitz and his friends all crowded over a table, and I can sense that they are whispering about me. I don't know how and why I can sense it, but I just feel like I can. Fitz glances at me and I try not to keep my gaze. I just focus on getting back to Zane and our conversation, but it's too late. Fitz is already near our table. Zane tries to make it look like he's intently reading a magazine to avoid any contact with Fitz, but I am not afraid to give him a hard stare. "Yes?" I ask, and he smiles a little. "Um, I saw you earlier this week, and I was hoping we could hang out". I raise my eyebrows a bit and I almost laugh. "And where did you see me?," I ask, even though I don't care. "I saw you walking home yesterday. I thought I could hear Kurt Cobian from where I was standing, because damn, you had your music up really, really loud." I laugh a little. "Oh, I didn't realize."

For some odd reason, I begin to relax a lot. Fitz wasn't as brutal as Adam made him out to be, and I was actually sort of enjoying myself. Maybe all this kid needed was a second chance. Maybe things could change. Maybe he was even the one.


	17. Chapter 15: Joga, Part Two

Zane eyes me nervously as I try to decide whether or not to go have fun with Fitz. I can sense that it would be nice for Fitz, so I set down my iced tea and tell Zane that I'm going to go home, when I'm really not. Fitz plays along with this, but he smiles a little at me, just to make me feel better. I hate lying, but my life is full of them now, so what's the difference?

I'm out the door and Fitz follows shortly after me. We walk for a little while until The Dot is almost out of sight. "I did tell Zane that I was going home, so we could chill at my house." Fitz smirks in response, "Alright. You're too good, aren't you?" he jokes, "Just you wait," I answer, and we walk all the way to my house, which took about fifteen minutes. We did talk for a while about a lot of things, but Fitz never mentions why Adam and Eli hate him so much. Maybe I'll find out when he's more comfortable talking about it in my house.

I unlock the door and my cat Mindy is blocking the entrance. I give her a gentle nudge and she scampers upstairs. I turn around to see Fitz gazing at the living room where all the video games live. "You have some pretty awesome games," he says as he files through them all. He stops shuffling through them when he sees a really old Zelda game for PlayStation. I give him a nod of approval, and in seconds he's already started it up. I watch for a while and give him tips, and then I make my way to the kitchen to make some toast, since I realized that I actually hadn't had a real breakfast at The Dot. I sit next to him on the couch and take small nibbles while I give him some extra pointers. His eyes wander to the container of butter oddly enough. "Soy butter?" he asks, "Allergic to dairy," I respond, "Oh man that must suck, you can't have a lot of stuff, like ice cream and chocolate." "I deal," I reply, and leave it at that.

Fitz soon decides he doesn't really want to play Zelda anymore and asks if he can go upstairs. I let him and I show him my room. Fitz is stoked. "This is awesome!" he exclaims, and I smile a little. At least someone appreciates my unique bedroom with shelves upon shelves of Buffy, old movies I used to make with my friends, and lots of manga. "Holy crap. You have a lot of Inuyasha manga," and I laugh, "That was my obsession when I was eleven," I reply happily. At that moment, I realized how great Fitz was, he was so perfect. His video game ability, his acceptance for my odd habits that most girls don't have, such as obsessive amounts of manga and my obsession with hardcore bands. For once, I felt safer with someone than without. It's like I'm in zen mode.

We talk for a while as I'm sprawled on my bed, comfortable with myself and everything. Fitz is quite comfortable too, because he's already helped himself to some of my manga. "These are cool," he tells me, "I didn't know very much about manga before," "It's amazing," I say lightly, even though I can't pay very much attention to what's going on. Why am I acting this way? I've only been with him for two hours. I must be going insane.

"Oh Audrey, I gotta go," Fitz says, and I snap back to reality. "You do?" I ask, "I'll take you home," Fitz raises his eyebrows and then smiles. "Thanks."

I walk awkwardly with him. I fix my eyes on my converses as I kick a rock down the street. "You have a habit of doing that," he points out, and I continue kicking the rock. "Everything okay?" he asks, concerned. I stop in my tracks and make my way to an alley. "Ask him now," I thought to myself, "Get it over with."

But I couldn't get the right words out. "Look, I'm just a little weird, okay?," was the only thing I could say. "Audrey, first of all, what are you talking about? And second of all, you're not weird. I like you a lot." I looked up at Fitz, eyes wide. My suspicions were correct. "Why would you ever like me?" I retorted, "I'm just some freak girl who fell in love with a transgender kid and f***ed up her own life!" I leave out the cutting part because I don't feel close enough to Fitz to mention that. "Audrey, you're not f***ed up." "Of course you're saying that Fitz, you want me," "Maybe I do, but I still like you." He says this as he brushes his hand across my face. "Am I really going to fall for this?" I thought to myself, and then another thought said, "Yes". His touch was so warming that I couldn't resist. I didn't pull away like usual. I just let him touch me, even though touch to me is so strong. "You're beautiful Audrey," he whispers as he leans in to kiss my neck, but that's when I pull away, completely startled. "Sorry," he says, but I still feel bad. "Fitz, I was just a little startled". He nods a little as I look down nervously. "I've never had anyone call me beautiful before," I admit, but Fitz doesn't respond. He just gazes at me with soft eyes, and I see how badly he wants me. I walk closer to him. I feel his breath slowing down as I come near him, and he leans in forward more as he kisses me on the lips. I go with it, and it's so smoldering. He slowly puts his hands around me as we kiss for what seems like forever.

And let me tell you, that was the sexiest kiss _ever._

We let go eventually, and he's smiling. We hold our gaze for a while as our hands come together.

"I love you, Fitz," I breathe, and I feel as if I cannot let go anymore.


	18. Chapter 16: Little Bird

**This chapter has been written in Adam's Point of View**

I don't want to go to school at all today because I know I'm going to see Audrey again, and Drew wont stop bugging me about it everything that has been happening. He keeps asking me all the time why we broke up, and I don't answer because I don't want him to know for once, since I can already tell he's going to make her life miserable. But on the other hand, I feel a bit envious because Sav and Fitz seem to have a thing for her. And the worst part is, she was mine in the first place. I loved her before anyone else even thought of caring about anything she did. "How could I have been so stupid?," I thought to myself, but I couldn't get too caught up in my thoughts because if i did, I wouldn't be able to even get myself ready for school.

I decide to get up out of bed, only to see the old copy of Vampire Knight Audrey gave me laying there in the right-hand corner of my room, and I wince a little. I remember the day she gave that book to me, the day that I knew I loved her. My vision gets fuzzy with tears as I have flashbacks of the day I first met Audrey and how I was so in awe of her because she was so...so different. Audrey was so unique, with her geeky habits of manga reading and Buffy watching, even though the official show ended over five years ago. She was always drawing cartoons all over her sneakers that made me laugh all the time. Life seemed more perfect with her. For once, I wasn't the third wheel. And then she met Fitz. As soon as I saw a connection, a spark of interest, that small glint in his eye and I knew that I wouldn't be able to take it in. I wasn't sure whether or not Fitz was going to try something, so I dumped her. And now I feel guilty.

"ADAM! Lets GO!" Drew yells from downstairs. I flinch and shove the Vampire Knight book deep into my closet where I won't see it again. I know I'll have to return it to Audrey sometime, but not now. "I don't want anything to do with her," I thought as I made my way out the door and into my mom's car. I shove in my earbuds and I accidentally click on the playlist that Audrey had made for me when she borrowed my iPod for a while, and as much as I love it, I shouldn't listen to it, so I turn it to some random playlist that I don't even want to listen to. "You okay Adam?" Drew asks, and I force myself to nod in response as if I'm not having a nervous breakdown inside. "You don't need Audrey," a voice in my head tells me as I turn up my music louder.

I get to school and I see Clare near her locker. I normally don't talk to her as much as Eli, so I stop by. "Hey Clare," I say, "I don't want to talk right now, okay?" she snaps, and I step back a little. "Sorry," she says, "It's my parents again. They've started up fighting." "I'm sorry," I reply as I make my way to first period, knowing that my attempt to talk to girls other than Audrey failed once again. "You can't avoid her forever," a voice in my head tells me, and I see if I can make an attempt to sit with her in Pre Calculus, but my usual seat is replaced with Zane's narrow figure smiling and drumming his fingers on the desk that I originally have. Anya is on her left as usual. "Great," I thought to myself bitterly as I fight back raging at her, knowing she'd just hate me more. I take a seat near Sav and see that he's gazing a little at her. "What are you doing? Aren't you hooked up with Holly J already?" I snap, and Sav flinches. "Sorry Adam," he says followed by a "Geez, calm down. I was just looking." "She's really pretty, but I'll stick with Holly J as my girlfriend" he whispers, and I roll my eyes. Sav shifts in his seat a little as he lowers his eyes. "Oh, sorry Adam, I kind of forgot," "It's fine," I respond, and I don't talk to him for the rest of the class.

Pre Calculus is over in a flash and I see Sav and Audrey walking together to the music room. Apparently Audrey's French class is on a free period today (which on any regular day I would have remembered that), and I see them together, playing some chords on Sav's guitar and singing some verses of really old Nirvana songs that I can hear from outside the music room. I pretend that I don't see them and just keep walking to my study hall, and as soon as I get there, Bianca is already on my case. "Hey freak," she whispers, "Still not over your lesbian girlfriend?" "She's not lesbian, and I'm not a girl!" I hiss, but Bianca just rolls her eyes "You're lucky that girl is lesbian." And I don't reply. I simply don't feel like it. Audrey isn't lesbian (maybe bisexual, don't know for sure) and even she was, what difference would it make? I pull the thoughts out of my head as I get going for my study hall.

As I walk the halls on my way to History class I see Audrey, dealing with the same problems with Bianca that she deals with over and over again. Just the huge debate of whether or not Audrey is lesbian for dating me following up by having her slammed into a locker and being called a bitch repeatedly. I want to help her so, but I know that it wouldn't make any difference. Besides, Zane is there to "rescue" her, so my presence isn't needed. I sigh and just keep walking as I feel Audrey looking at me. I know she feels terrible too, but nobody else can tell. In fact, she seems to be a lot happier today. Why? I mean, it's not bad that she's happy, but she seems to be the in the kind of happy that a person is when they're in a relationship. I hadn't checked my Facerange page in a while, so I don't know.

And then it hit me. She hooked up with Fitz.

My blood started to feel a lot warmer. I was super pissed. How could she betray me like that? To date that bastard! On the other hand, I'm worried about her. What if Fitz was the one who lured her in? "Oh my god," I thought to myself, "Fitz might pull some serious shit on her." But why do I care so much about her? We broke up and it's over, right? But I can't bring myself to that. I have to talk to Eli.

As soon as lunch comes around, I make my way as quickly as possible to catch up with Eli. I see him sitting near a picnic table alone reading. I feel a rush of concern as I sit next to him. "Hey," I say with caution, making sure he's not pissed off or anything. He seems okay, so I continue. "I can't stop thinking about her." Eli raises his eyebrows a little as he sets down his book, turning to face me. "Audrey? I thought you were over her," "I thought so too," I say, "But she's been hanging out a lot with her other friends and-" "You do realize she hooked up with Fitz," Eli cut me off, and I nodded, trying to hide the disappointment. "She told you?" I ask, "Of course she told me, she's my friend," "Yeah, and I'm not," I murmur. "Look, she's just mad at you, okay? She'll probably get over it," "Really!" I exclaim in frustration, "We haven't talked in three weeks, and I still think about her every day. It's getting annoying because I broke up with her! I'm not _supposed_ to be thinking about her!" I sigh and brush my hand over my forehead, mixed with emotion. I turn to Eli to find him smirking. "You love her, don't you?"

I didn't even know what to say to that. How could I possibly love her after all this? "What makes you think that?" I ask, and Eli smirks again, "You can't stop thinking about her. You haven't even returned her copy of Vampire Knight that she's been wanting for a long time. Just admit it, you love her." I search my thoughts and take a long, deep breath. I can't think of anything that would prove that I love her, so I begin to feel annoyed at Eli. "I don't believe it," I say quickly as I gather my things and head to the computer lab.

The day ends slowly but surely and I'm standing with Drew right outside the entrance. "Adam, I texted you like four times today, what is up?" Drew asks, "My phone was off," I answer as Drew gives me concerning look. I pretend to be interested in a comic book as I waited anxiously await the safety of mom's car. I see out of the corner of my eye Drew talking to a group of girls about something that probably doesn't even concern me. It never does anyway, so why should I bother? I scrape the back of my sneaker on the hard concrete of the steps in frustration until mom finally pulls in with the car and I make my way steadily to the front seat, and mom is pissed. "What now?" I thought to myself as I sat down in the itchy corduroy seat. Drew followed closely behind me. We exchanged glances and I can tell we are both wondering why mom is so pissed off. I don't want to cause a commotion, so I let it be for now.

It's only a matter of time before I find out exactly what's up. Mom lets us out of the car and I make my way quickly to the front door. It's unlocked, so I just walk right in, only to find the latest of mine and Drew's report cards laying in the middle of the kitchen table. Mine looks sort of reasonable, but Drew's is a different story. Mom rushes in to the kitchen, Drew following closely behind. She goes on and on about how Drew's marks "aren't what they should be" and that he needs to "try harder if he wants to stay in football". "Mom! You can't do this! Football is like, my life!" he protests, and my head starts to throb with pain. I squeeze my eyes shut and everything is instantly louder. I can't take any of this anymore. "Stop it! Just stop it, okay!" I scream as I make my way upstairs and slam the door shut.

I shove a pillow near my face and scream as loud as I can. Fortunately, it's muffled by the pillow, so nobody will hear me as well as they might have if I didn't have the pillow. I thrust myself onto my bed and put my face in my hands. Why do I have to make myself go through all this shit? I can't be normal and I never will be. And just when I had found the one girl that accepted me, I shut her out because my stupid fear of Fitz.

I'm lying there in my bed, blanket over almost my entire body except for my nose and eyes. I'm not asleep, I'm just lying there, breathing steadily and trying to keep calm. I feel comfortable right where I am, warm and ignoring the world, that is until I hear a small clicking sound coming from the pocket of my jacket. With a shaky hand, I feel around and eventually find what it is. My iPod.

I stare at it blankly for a while as I remember the playlist Audrey had made me a while back. It's only then when I realize that Eli was right all along, that I do love her truly and that it was a huge mistake to break up with her. I swallow hard as I press the "Play" button. I get misty eyed as I start to loosen up a lot, drifting off into daydreams as I cry myself to sleep.


	19. Chapter 17: Let Go

I'm in my room sweating like hell. I have accidentally woken up at 4:30 am because my cat pounced on me. Now I can't get back to sleep and I have a headache. I think of calling Fitz, but it's too early, so I settle in to some manga to kill time, and that's when I remember I have school today. Shit.

I honestly don't want to go. I want to be with Fitz and hang out at his place and do whatever. I don't want to go at all, because I know I'm just going to see Adam. We're not talking anymore, but it still sucks that I have to see him. I'm reminded every day that I broke up with him between Sav's constant reminders and daydreams flooding my mind. I don't get it at all. I'm with Fitz, so why should I even be thinking of Adam? I push these thoughts out of my mind as I take the needle that is on the side of my dresser and cut away. I am a little happier, but I'm still super addicted to cutting. I relax a lot as I feel the blood trickling. I take a towel and dab down the blood so I wont stain anything. I add one more cut to my "collection" of nine.

I look at the clock to see how much time I have. The clock reads 7:33 a.m and I rush out the door so that I have just enough time to make it to Eli's house so we can get to school together in his amazing hearse. I've really grown to love Morty actually, no matter how much fixing "he" needs. I ease my mind with these happy thoughts.

I pause a little before I knock the door. It's not that I'm afraid of Eli, I'm just hoping that his parents aren't around, only because that would just make me really uncomfortable. I take a small, deep breath and knock. "Please be Eli," I whisper to myself. It's barely audible, but it helps, and lucky me, it's Eli. It's not that I have anything against parents, it would just be weird for me to see them since I never really had any. "Hey Audrey," he greets me, and I smile a little. I can't really say anything, only because I can't think of anything good _to_ say, so I just open the shiny passenger seat of the hearse and ease in to some heavy metal that Eli is blasting from his small radio that sits around. "You okay?" he asks. I flinch and respond with an automatic, "I'm fine," even though I'm super tired, but I don't say anything about it.

I come in to the building only to distressing sounds of whining and more drama coming from a group of people, mainly Alli, Drew, and Jenna. I don't hate them as much as KC, but they still get me pissed from time to time. "It's hilarious to watch," Eli says, following right behind me as I head to my first class of the day, "What is?" "Them," he replies with a hint of impatience in his voice, "Audrey, are you sure you're okay?" he asks again as he brushes two fingers across my arm. "You're skin is freaking cold!" he exclaims, "What else is new?" I reply sarcastically, "Audrey, it's really warm in the building." I turn around to face him, "I'm fine," I reply, "Maybe it's just allergies," I lie, when I'm really not sure what's wrong with me. I walk the rest of the way to class alone.

I scan the room, looking for any trace of Adam. It seems okay, so I take a seat near Holly J, not knowing she was going to bombard me with questions about last night's homework. "I didn't understand the sixth problem," she tells me, "Neither did I," I lie as I take out the homework. She peers at my sheet (obviously) and fingers through her papers to find the corresponding answer sheet that I promised myself that I wouldn't use as my cheat guide. Her eyes go a little wide as I discover that my answer to the problem was right "I wish it was that way with my life," I think to myself as Holly J goes on and on about how I should "help her with the problem" because I'm just "such a genius". The words ring in my ears, and I can't hear anything else. I put my head in my heads, trying to force it out.

The next thing I feel is Holly J's warm hand pressed against my shoulder. I think she's shaking me, so I open my eyes to see hers wide and reflecting fear. "Audrey, Oh my god," she whispers loudly, "You looked horrible..." her voice trails off. Oddly enough, I feel fine now, but the math teacher is looking at me like I'm some psychopath. "Sorry about that. I guess I'm just hallucinating again," I whisper, and now she's the one who's looking at me like I'm some psychopath. I roll my eyes and make my way to the bathroom.

During my time there, I do two things, no wait, three. First off, I hyperventilate. I'm super thankful that nobody was in the bathroom the same time I was, because someone would have called a doctor. I then head into a stall and take out my needle that was hidden in my jean pocket. I add my tenth cut to my left arm and I am relaxed again. I take a bit of paper towel and dab the blood. I add a bandaid to it just to make sure, even though I know that it will just turn into a scab later today, but I don't care. I check my watch and discover that I have three minutes until my next class. I decide not to care and make a mental note that I should go pick up a late slip from the office on my way to French, because I feel really nauseous. I slam myself against the door of the stall and throw up. A lot. I know it's gross, but by the time I was done, I felt great.

"Can I get a late slip?" I plead to the assistant principal. "Reason?" she asks, almost robotic "Sick," I respond, "But I feel a lot better, and I don't need to go home." Thankfully she believes me and hands me a little blue piece of paper, my token to not getting in trouble.

I feel pretty good for the remaining of the day, that is until science class sneaks up on me. Apparently Wesley's uncle (this is so embarrassing, but I can never quite catch his name) has noticed that KC and I haven't been getting along, so instead of making him sit as far away from me as possible, he's made us lab partners so we can supposedly "learn to get along better". Learn my ass. KC is way too ignorant to "learn" anything. I'm even surprised that he hasn't dropped out yet.

KC is obviously not thrilled with the fact that we have to work together, because he can't even look at me. "Let's just get this over with," he manages to say, and I quickly nod. Wesley's uncle starts his lecture on blood cells, and I tune out a little. I can still manage to hear his words, I just don't feel like participating, that's all. "...and when you get a cut, that's how your body works to heal it," he says, and I automatically snap back into total focus as my cuts start to sting with wild pain. I can't risk putting my hand over them to try easing the pain, so I just quietly ask if I can go to the bathroom really quickly, and he nods, obviously unhappy with my sudden urge to use the bathroom in the middle of a lecture, but I can't help it. I don't want a pool of bloody mess on the floor of the lab, so it's best I go to the bathroom that's literally right next door. I slam the stall door without meaning to. I lift my sleeve, only to find that my cuts are perfectly fine. Some of my new ones are now scabs, which is pretty good because then I don't have to worry about a bloody mess on my favorite hoodie. I try calming down and walk back to the lab.

The period ends on a painful note as the teacher demands an explanation for my urgent trip to the bathroom. I can't think of any explanation, so I just tell them that I thought I was going to be sick again. I don't feel like talking anymore, so I just take my bag and head home.

It's a really lonely walk home. Nobody bothers to talk to me because they probably all by now think I'm a total freak, but I can't always control my actions. I shove my headphones in and I blast some random heavy metal music and I keep my eyes on my sneakers, that is until I sense the presence of Fitz. "Hey," I can hear his voice through my music as he gently pulls the headphones off my ears. I absolutely love it when he does that. I smile and wrap my arms around his waist. He does the same to me and kisses my forehead. "You look really pale," he whispers, "I've had a pretty crappy day," I whisper back. "Sorry to hear that," he says as he plants another kiss, this time on my lips. I feel a surge of relief as I feel his smile through the kiss. He then wraps an arm around my waist and I put my arm around his shoulders. We walk together to my house and I am in the best mood ever.

I swing the door open and I continue my "makeout" with Fitz. I feel light and airy as I make my way to the couch and lie down. I feel a sense that Fitz wants sex, and I pull away instantly. "Whoa," I say, "I don't want that." "Want what?" Fitz asks, "Oh!" he exclaims, "Audrey, I wasn't going to do that." But I wasn't so sure. "Fitz, if you want to just-" "I don't!" He interrupted, and I flinch. "Okay, no need to get defensive like that," I say. "I should get going," Fitz says, and he is out the door in less than five seconds.

I sigh heavily as I take my needle and add yet another cut. That will be a total of three cuts added today, making it eleven cuts on my left arm. I rest an ice cube on the wound as I walk to the mailbox that I've forgotten to check for the past two days. Most of the things are for Miles, but there is one letter for me. I get a bit excited and rip along the top with my index finger. I slide the paper open and my eyes grow wide as I read the text.

"No way," I whisper in shock.


	20. Chapter 18: The Moment I Said It

I couldn't believe it.

After everything that's happened, after everything I've been through, this just had to happen. I read slowly through the letter as I tried processing everything that I've just read;

_Hi Audrey,_

_It's me, your dad. I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry that I never got to meet you, or...your mother. And sadly, she never will. Someone found her yesterday and she was dead. Apparently she committed suicide. And I know this is the last thing you'd ever want to hear, but it's true and I'm sorry. I thought you deserved to know, just in case I visit. You also might be thinking that it's odd for me to be writing a letter to you, but I don't know your phone number, so I didn't want to take any chances._

_I hope you're doing well._

_Dad_

_PS: Don't worry, her suicide is not in the news. I requested that it not make the news._

I held my breath. I didn't understand anything. Why would she do this? Was it because of me? Or even Miles? I had heard that she was around in Toronto, but would she really commit suicide? I can't get myself to cry since I only knew year for one year that I can't even remember because I was so young. I knew that I had to call Miles. I picked up the phone in the kitchen, hoping that Miles was there.

_Miles: Audrey?_

_Me: Yeah, hi Miles. Um, did you hear?_

_Miles: About the suicide? Yeah_

_Me: Are you okay? I mean, I knew that you knew her pretty well._

_Miles: I'm pretty upset, but I'm more upset about her reason._

_Me: Uh...do you mind if I ask what the reason was?_

_Miles: O-okay. But I don't know if you should._

_Me: Just tell me, please_

_Miles: ...okay. I heard some additional information from Dad. We've been keeping in touch sort of, and he told me...he told me...he told me that it was...because of...you._

_Me: WHAT? What the hell did I do?_

_Miles: Audrey! Calm down and listen. She was visiting Toronto, okay? And she thinks she "might have seen her daughter" she felt too guilty and well...killed herself._

_Me:_

_Miles: I'm really sorry Audrey._

_Me: It's fine. Blame it all on me._

_Miles: No Audrey I-_

_*hangs up*_

Wow. I really do suck as much as I thought I did. She killed herself because she _thought_ she saw me? She didn't even bother to ask if it was me, she didn't even want to explain anything, she just felt too guilty to do anything else. She was probably guilty because of my appearance and how I probably wasn't "what she expected". I run upstairs and take out my needle. I just keep adding cuts simultaneously until my entire left arm has cuts. I'm bleeding like crazy and I run my arm under my some water. I realize that this is the most I've ever cut in my life. I've never had cuts all the way up my entire arm. I finger the nine new cuts on my arm, and they sting, but I don't cry, because it feels good. I decide that I should get some sleep. That's all I can do anyway.

The next morning, the only thing I need right now is to just have some fresh air. I need to get away from my house. I'm thankful that it's Saturday and I don't have school. I want to make plans with Fitz, so I take out my phone and I use speed dial to call him. Surprisingly, he's not there. Really weird, because he hasn't answered the phone all week, but he visited me yesterday. I decide to not take it personally and just keep walking and maybe I'll see Fitz. I hope so.

I'm walking around for a long time and I see everything from screaming kids asking for toys to thugs swearing at their girlfriends. I cringe as I see this since Fitz was once considered a "thug". I don't think Fitz is really a thug anymore, at least not with me around. I start to feel sort of hungry, so I head towards The Dot.

And that's when I see Owen.

"Hey lesbian" he whispers, and I'm confused. "What?" I snap. "My little friend Bianca told me something," I stop myself from smirking. "What now?" I ask sarcastically. I don't have any time for Owen's stupid games. He walks near the alley and I follow along just to hear what stupid thing he has to say now. His eyes are lowered and I raise my eyebrows as I smell that familiar scent of meth. "Bianca told me that you've been dating Adam," "You're point is...?" I say sarcastically, trying to hide my hurt. "I can't believe you dated that freak," he laughs. "What the hell is your problem!" I exclaim. "What?" he says, "Do you want to be a freak like Adam? Well, in that case..." and he pushes me down against some wired contraption that was just laying there in the alley. "Are you on meth?" I exclaim as he repeatedly kicks me. I try coming free from his trap, but he trips me down. "What the F**K" I yell and start getting away from the alley. What the f**k was his problem? I was almost over Adam, and now he has to come and ruin everything for me. Oh yeah, and he was high on meth. Why should people care whether or not I loved Adam? I consider Adam a boy, and that's that. People should just stop hating and just deal.

My phone vibrates in my pocket. Lucky me, it's Fitz, the only person I want to talk to.

_Fitz: Audrey? Hey!_

_Me: Fitz! Where have you been? You haven't taken any of my calls._

_Fitz: Sorry I've been...busy_

_Me: With...what?_

_Fitz: Uh...just stuff. Anyway, should I meet you at your house._

_Me: Um, okay. That would be great._

_Fitz: Alright. See you._

_*hangs up*_

Well that was random. Why didn't he just tell me what he was doing? I'm hoping it was nothing bad or anything, because I really don't feel like hearing anymore bad news. Owen already wants my head, and my mom just killed herself. I get to the front steps of my house to find Fitz waiting for me. I let him in and I turn on the PlayStation and start playing Final Fantasy. Fitz sits near me and he sees the marks on my face from Owen hitting me. "Oh my god," he breathes, "Audrey, who did this?" "Owen did," I mutter and switch back my focus to the game. I look over to see Fitz biting his lower. "I'm so sorry Audrey. I thought I had given Owen-" "_You _gave him the meth?" I exclaimed, "How stupid are you?" "Audrey, stop it" he growled, "No!" I shot back, "How could you do that? That's basically like you hitting me!" "Audrey..." "No! Listen to me! I can't believe you! Why did you give him meth in the first place? I knew you were up to something! I want to break up!" I saw his eyes grow wide at the sound of this. "You're not serious," he breathed. "YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS!" He yelled. "Fitz, calm down." "Is that what you did to your girlfriend?" He hissed, and I knew he was making a reference to Adam. "One little issue and you dump me!" "Adam dumped me! I didn't dump him!" "Don't you mean her?" he says as I pushed him away. He then took my shoulders by the hands in a tight grasp. "Let go of me," I hiss, "Let go of me," "Please! Let! Go!" I shriek as he throws me down on the wood floor, scaring my cats stiff. I turn around to face him, my eyes wide with fear. I'm panting heavily. "I can see why Adam didn't want to date you," he hisses. "First of all, he dumped me because of you." I say, but he didn't listen. He just slammed the door and headed home. "Maybe he was high on meth too," I thought to myself, even though I didn't smell any. I get up from my feeble position as if nothing happened. My head is throbbing and all I need to do is take a bath. I get out of my shirt and hoodie and jeans and sneakers and I turn around to face the mirror. I see a huge black eye near the left side of my face. I move down to my thin stomach and I see a few scrapes from when I feel down, but the worst part is when I turned myself to reveal a huge cut across the side of my body ending at my hip. I dare myself to touch it, and it stings.

After I finish my bath, I look in the bathroom mirror again and I see the huge bruise on my face. There is no way I can come to school with it, so I search the drawers for anything that could cover them, and I come across to a set of power concealer. I remember my cousin Cassie showing me how to use it when I was twelve and completely uninterested in anything that had to do with makeup, but now I can remember really well what she taught me, so I start applying the makeup, and surprisingly it covers the entire bruise. Hopefully the bruise will heal quickly so that I wont have to use makeup for very long, because it's making me sneeze a little. But I will do whatever I can to hide any evidence of Fitz hitting me. I don't want anyone to be concerned just yet.


	21. Chapter 19: I Don't Want To Be Me

I spent my Sunday reading manga, drawing, and cutting. I didn't pick up the phone unless it was Miles, and I had almost no interest in anything that had to do with being with someone else. I just wanted to be left alone, with no one to talk to. That sounded like an excellent plan.

As I walk to school, I feel annoyed at everything. I take my hair tie and whack myself a few times just to keep myself sane. I know that I can't cut in front of everyone, but if I was in the safety of my room, I would still be cutting. I kick a single pebble down the sidewalk and accidentally hit another kid with it, even though he probably didn't feel it. I didn't really care either way, so I just let it go. Besides, what's the point of getting yourself all caught up in crap like that? That's right, there is no point. Not after everything that's happened to me.

I see Eli as I go to my locker to put away some manga that I had laying around in my bag. I don't feel like talking, so I pretend I'm interested in a random One Piece manga that I've already read, but that idea fails as soon as Zane notices my presence. "Hey Audrey!" he exclaims happily as if nothing has been happening at all, and it's just a normal day of school. Well for me, no day is normal. At least not anymore. But I ignore these thoughts, because I don't want to be worrying right now. It'll be a miracle if I even make it through this day, because I'm already feeling drowsy from the events surrounding Fitz and Owen. "You okay?" he asks, and I can only nod. He notices the One Piece book in my hand. "I haven't read that one," he tells me, "Mind if I borrow it?" I give a dumbfounded look. "Since when were you into manga?" "Since I kept seeing you reading it all the time in the library." I roll my eyes playfully as I hand Zane the book. "Your hair looks kind of messy," he tells me, and I move my hand to feel it, and he's right. "Here, let me fix it." and he takes a gentle hand and fingers through the area where I usually part my hair to cover an eye. Zane thinks it's become my new style, and I think he's right, since he has amazing hair himself. He accidentally lightly touches a little bit of the area where Fitz had punched me, and I felt a pang of sting. I instantly pull his hand away and he's startled. "Zane don't...don't touch there," I whisper loudly. "Did something happen?" he asks, obviously worried. He looks a little at the place where he touched. "Is that...a bruise?" he asks, and I shake my head. "Zane, it's nothing, really," I lie, and I'm off to my next class.

After the first period is over, I go to the bathroom to do my usual routine of hyperventilating and adding a cut. I'm really thankful that nobody is in the bathroom, especially now, because I need to reapply some of the makeup onto my bruise. I take the powder brush and lightly put it over my bruise. I blend it lightly with my index finger and I head out.

As I walk in to the classroom, Eli automatically knows that something is up.

"You didn't answer my call yesterday," he says, "And you didn't answer Clare's call either." "My phone was off for the day," I lie, and Eli doesn't believe me. "Are you trying to avoid me or something?" "Of course not!" I exclaim unintentionally. I could tell Eli was going to make a comeback, but it was too late. Class had already started.

If I had thought my disaster of the day was already super bad, trust me, things got way worse. And it started getting way worse the instant I walked in to English class. I had come a little late, and the only open seat was next to Adam. I sigh and reluctantly take a seat. I'm trying hard not to look at him, because he was the reason why I have to go through all this. I'm still trying to get over my breakup with Adam, mainly because us breaking up just literally invited Fitz to take advantage of me. I fight back tears as Ms. Dawes goes on and on with her lecture. I can feel Adam's gaze on me, and it feels actually somewhat sympathetic, like he had an idea of what was going on, everything except for my mom killing herself. I'm actually trying not to think about that. It's not that I don't care, it's just upsetting to think about. I didn't even get to know her anyway.

When Ms. Dawes finished her lecture, she split us into partners to do an in class essay, and of course my partner is Adam. This should be _fun. _ "So..." he says, "What topic should we choose?" "I don't know," I mutter, "Let's just get this over with." I let him pick the topic and I just aimlessly follow along. We do however get a good, solid start, and I guess I'm okay with that, even though Adam constantly tried to start conversation even though he knew full well that I had no intention to talk to him at all.

When class ends, I don't even bother talking to anyone. I just grab my things as quickly as I can and make my way outside for lunch. But of course, Adam wants to talk, so he follows me down the hallway. "Can we talk?" he calls, and I don't answer for a while until we're outside. "What are you doing?" he asks, "Why can't you look at me?" "Because I don't want to," I mutter. "Look, I don't care if you don't want to talk, we need to. Just, tell me why you won't talk to me. It's been a month!" By now, I'm flaring inside with anger. I feel like I want to snap at him, but instead I turn around and look him in the eye. "You know full well why I won't talk to you," I say slowly. "Fitz. I get it." he replies, "But that was a huge mistake. I really want you to take me back. Please?" "Why should I?" I exclaim in anger, "I just know that you're going to get jealous of my friendship with Eli and then we'll break up all over again." "Audrey, that's not true-" "I don't care! And I also hope you're happy, because ever since Fitz and I hooked up, he's-" I stop myself from telling him about the whole deal with him and Owen. "Fitz what," he challenged me. I paused for a moment to think whether or not I should tell him. "Nothing. I know you don't care," and with that, I walked away from him and to the picnic tables.

I'm walking alone until I hear something following me coming from Riley's familiar footsteps. "Audrey, I care. I want to know what happened." "Stay out of it," I warn him, but he doesn't listen. "If it's something that has to do with Fitz, I might be able to help." I sit down at a picnic table and Riley of course sits right next to me. I'm deciding whether or not I should tell him what's been going on. It _would_ be totally different from telling Adam, since Riley isn't my ex and Riley isn't one of the causes for this mess. But, I don't really trust him. "Look Riley, I know you're just trying to help, but you just...you just don't know what it's like. What anything is like." And I started to walk away from the school. "Try me!" he calls, "No!" I call back, "I'm just going to go home. I don't feel well," I lie, because I know exactly where I'm going, and it's not home.

As I get farther and farther away from the school, I pick up a rotting stick and I let it slide across the wire fencing, my hand guiding it's path. I feel surprisingly at peace, just holding the stick and walking aimlessly. It's really relaxing, and I feel a lot better. In fact, I have no urge to cut, not even whack myself with the hair tie that I can use while I'm in class if I ever have the urge to cut during class time. And for the first time in a long while, I actually feel calm.

I walk aimlessly for what seems like an hour until I come across a bridge. My footsteps begin to get slower and slower. I'm firmly grasping the rotting stick as I look down at the icy looking water. I suddenly remember my mom and how she committed suicide without me even getting to meet her once. I wondered for a long time whether or not she jumped off a bridge, but Miles says she stabbed herself. I shudder and keep staring at the water.

And that's when I wonder; Should I just kill myself too and make everyone happy?

My eyes are locked on the water, thinking about what it would be like to just die and have no one do anything about it. It did seem like a legitimate choice, considering all the shit that has gone down in the past two months since my arrival at Degrassi. Me falling in love with Adam, Miles getting a girlfriend and then moving in with her, me falling in love with Fitz, resulting in a violent break up, and my mom committing suicide, me being a possible reason. I also remember that it was because of me being the second child that my parents decided to just abandon us all together, so was life really worth living now? Not really.

But then I remember Eli's dead ex, Julia, and how much pain he had to go through when that happened, and I couldn't even imagine the pain that he could feel if I killed _myself._ He'd probably miss me, and so would Clare. And Sav. And Anya. And Zane. And Riley. And even Holly J, even though we mainly conversed during math class. It would probably affect a lot of other people too, like my two closest friends in Montreal that I almost never talk to anymore, which makes me pretty sad, because they were great too. But would Adam miss me? Probably not. But I decide that I probably shouldn't die, for Eli's sake and everyone else.

I discover that while I was having all of these thoughts, my nose was running from the cold and my hand that was once holding a rotting stick is bleeding. Apparently I must have been squeezing the stick so hard that I actually broke it, but I didn't really feel much. I search my bag for a bandage, paper towel, anything. And then, by some miraculous discovery, I find a piece of cloth and a safety pin. I wrap up my wound and clip the cloth to keep it place, and that's when I start to actually feel sick, so I head home.

I unlock the door and crash on the couch, my head feeling lighter than usual. I take my cat Mindy and let her rest on me. I can barely keep my eyes open, and I suddenly feel everything go completely numb.


	22. Chapter 20: Speeding Cars

I swear I thought I was dead.

I open my tightly closed eyes and look around only to see nothing out of the ordinary besides my cat Mindy sitting on top of my body that was pressed against the couch. I gently nudged Mindy to get off, and she scampered to another room. I slowly lifted myself from the couch and rub my dry eyes. My legs feel wobbly and I'm practically starving. You'd think I was lost in the woods, even though I did get lost once when I was nine. But that's a totally different story. I can barely feel my ankles as I walk towards the kitchen to see what time it is. 10:24. Shit. School started over an hour ago. I groaned and went upstairs to my room to get my things, but then I stopped in my tracks as a thought came over me; Why bother?

No, seriously. Why should I even care about going to school anyway? I was already going to be late. I picked up my phone and called in sick, even though I wasn't feeling that bad. But I guess I was sick mentally. Mental health day I guess. I relaxed on my bed and watched some old movies that my friends in Montreal made, and for the first time in a really long while, I feel happy. Perfectly happy.

**ELI'S POV:**

I'm sitting in English class anxiously. Where is Audrey? She has been gone all day, and she skipped out on school yesterday too. Something was definitely wrong with her, and I'm starting to think what it is. I'm guessing it definitely has to do with Fitz. How did she end up with that barbarian anyway? I'll never figure that one out. She knows full well that I hate him. I guess he didn't care. He probably used her.

Clare leans over to my desk. "Are you thinking about the same thing?" she whispers, "Audrey?" and Clare nods. "She skipped out on school yesterday. I heard her talking to Riley-" but before she could finish, Ms. Dawes was really to start class. What was she doing with Riley? She would only be with him if Zane were around too. Huh.

I can't even concentrate during English class. I'm thinking about Audrey, and whether she's with Fitz or not. I'm secretly hoping she isn't, because Fitz could get her high on some drug, or worse. But I don't want to think of "worst case scenario" with Fitz in mind. Because the worst case scenario with Fitz can mean anything. "She's probably fine," Clare whispers, and I'm wondering if she had read my mind. I don't respond and just try writing down notes from the lecture.

As soon as class lets out, I'm the first out the door. I head to my usual spot at the picnic tables with Clare following closely behind. "Eli, come on. She's probably just having a case of the flu-" "Stop that!" I exclaim, "Didn't you see the signs? She left school early yesterday, she was walking aimlessly last time I saw her, and now she's not here." I look over to see Clare tense. "Are you saying you're going to take her over me?" "Of course not Clare," I reassured her, "I love you." I give her a small peck on the forehead just to be safe. Of course I love Clare, but Audrey...Audrey was like my sister. And Clare, well she's my girlfriend. And I probably would be just as upset if I lost her. "Well, she did say something to Riley like, 'You don't know what it's like...'" My eyes grew wide. "Oh no," I whisper, "What if she killed herself?" "Eli! Calm down," I swallowed hard, not wanting to fight feelings anymore. "Stay here. I'm going to Audrey's house."

**AUDREY'S POV:**

To say that this has been one of the best days ever in a long time is an understatement. This has been the best day ever. First off, I got the best sleep of my life. And, I got an email from my best friends in Montreal, Reed and Sylvie. I realized that I missed them both so much and that I needed to talk to them soon or I would go even crazier than I already have, which might be impossible, but I guess it is now. I told them all about the latest chapters in Bleach and how the next Maximum Ride manga isn't coming out until April 2011 which angers me. Sylvie is pretty amused by this, and calls the "same old Audrey" I tell them a little about Fitz, but not Adam. I'm not risking anything.

On a happier note, Reed found a boyfriend. He's pretty happy about that, since he was feeling pretty insecure about that for a while. Sylvie has been nominated prom queen for our school, and she says that "so many people miss me". Ha. I sincerely doubt that. I almost burned down the school library accidentally, which is a super long story that I shouldn't get into. But I'm happy that Reed is happy and Sylvie seems content. At least their lives are pretty much together from what I've heard. I close my computer and decide that I want to draw, but it's only then that I hear the doorbell ring. I let out a huge sigh. Who the hell is going to ruin my perfect day to myself now? I get myself together and reluctantly make my way downstairs, finding Eli standing there on my front porch. My heart almost stops.

I swing the door open and Eli immediately sees all my bruises on my face. I forgot to apply makeup today, but who cares? "I'll explain later," I murmur. "What are you doing here?" I ask, "I was just worried, okay?" I raise my eyebrows. "You? Worried? Never" I say sarcastically. "Ha-ha," he replies with more sarcasm, and I let him come in to my house. At least I'm still wearing a sweatshirt, because if I wasn't, he would've seen all my cuts. I whack myself a few times with the hair tie that's around my wrist quietly just in case I'm tempted.

It was a little weird that Eli just came in uninvited to my house, but I didn't want to make him feel bad, so I just went with it. He followed me upstairs and I sat down on my bed. "Why are you here" I repeat myself. "Because if Miles isn't going to be a brother, I will." I tensed up at the sound of this. Was this the first time someone actually bothered to do this for me? Would anyone else do this? Maybe Clare, but I wasn't sure. "You're going to get in trouble for this," I warned him. "I don't care," he protested, "Anything...anything to stop you from killing yourself." I felt a pang of tense feelings. I bit the insides of my cheeks to keep from crying. "What I need..." I yelled, "Is for you to leave me alone!" "But you can't be left alone!" he exclaimed. He sat down on my bed and put a gentle hand on my arm that was luckily in the safety of my sleeve, so he wouldn't discover the cuts. "Audrey, I wouldn't do this for anyone besides Clare. You need help." "So that's what this is about? You getting a chance to cheat on Clare?" "No! Stop it Audrey!" I back away. I start whacking myself with the hair tie again. Whack, Exhale. Whack, Exhale. Whack, Exhale. Little bursts of relief. "Would you stop doing that?" he exclaimed. I slowly removed my hand from the hair tie. I gave him a worried look as I could feel the worry inside him. "Audrey...that's a form...of cutting therapy." My eyes grow wide with fear. "How-how do you know that?" I stammer, "I've never cut myself, but...I've heard things. Audrey, please show me your arm." "What? What are you talking about?" I protest, "Audrey, please! Just show me your arm!" I knew by then there was no holding back. I had to show him. He is one of my best friends and I knew that I could trust him. I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and do something I've never done in my life. Show my cuts.

Eli looked horrified. I knew what was probably running through his mind. I knew that he was probably wondering why I'd even do any of this to myself. "Oh...Audrey," he breathed as he came closer to me to touch my cuts. _I'm not gonna cry...I'm not gonna cry _I promised myself. "Audrey...why. Why did you do this?" "Maybe because I'm not worth it-" I say, my voice cutting off. _Dammit _I was thinking to myself, because I knew then I was just going to start crying. I could already see the tears welling up in Eli's eyes. "But there's more where that came from," I say as I uncover the next set of cuts. I felt his gentle tears fall down on my scratched up skin. I look over at him with teary eyes. "Audrey, did you...attempt to kill yourself?" "I almost did," I say, voice cracking, then breaking into just a storm tears. I just broke down and cried right then and there, and it was one of the first times I have in a long, long time.

"I can't believe all the shit I've gotten myself into," I say through my tears. "What kind of shit?" Eli asks. "God, where do I start! First me and Adam, and all our issues with him being transgender. I just wanted to accept him for who he was, but nobody would let me. They just...just wanted me to feel bad. But I loved him like he was the most important thing to me, regardless of anything that happened." I pause to cry some, and I see that Eli's face is streaming with tears as he listens to me rambling on and on about all the crap that's been going on. "...and then that day I met Fitz...he just, he just couldn't take it, so we just...we just played that classic game of break up and then instant hook up with another guy. I wish I never, ever, ever hooked up with Fitz. I knew it was a mistake! I knew it all along!" I paused again just to think of how much of an idiot I must be sounding like. "I've made too many mistakes, and Fitz knew that. So he hit me." I realize that I've run out of things to say, until I remember my mom's suicide. Should I tell him? Do I really feel that close to him that I can tell him this sort of thing? I take a deep breath and decide that I have to tell him. "And then...my mom committed..." "Committed what?" Eli asks, putting an arm around my shoulder. "She committed f***ing suicide! And Miles says it might have been partially my fault!" "Because of you?" he asked, "But...why?" "Oh I don't know! Maybe because she thought saw me! She was probably too guilty to go on, so she just decided to kill herself!" "I'm so, so sorry." he whispers, and I lean over to hug him and cry, and I honestly don't care whether or not he's a boy or not, because what difference does it make? He's the only one who will actually care enough to come over to my house in the middle of the school day and listen to my ranting. I realize now what a great friend he is, and that he probably would have done the same with Clare if she were in my position.

After a long while of the two of us crying together and in my bedroom, I make a decision. "You know what?" I say shakily, "I think...I'm going to hitchhike to Montreal and go see Reed and Sylvie. I miss them, and they deserve to see me." I looked up to see how Eli would react, and he smiled. "I think they would like that." and I feel relieved. It's not that I don't want to be with all these people, I just...need a break.

As soon as I see Eli making his way out of my room, I feel a pang of hurt. It's not that I'm annoyed with him for leaving, I just need him right now. I need someone to care for me for a while. I need someone to stay with me until I ask them to leave. "Wait" I blurt out, and Eli turns around, flashing his sideways smirk. "You want me to stay, don't you?" he asks with his usual "Eli Flare", and I can't help but smile.


	23. Chapter 21: No Hope, No Love, No Glory

**NOTE: Some of the text in the fanfiction is a little confusing! The run on sentences are supposed to be bits of crossed out text, but my word processor wouldn't allow that so ANYWAY...**

I spent the rest of the week in Montreal with Reed and Sylvie. I guess I really needed that trip, because now it is Sunday, and I feel great. It was nice to see my two oldest friends happy to see me. It made me feel wanted to once, which is something I haven't felt in a while. Even Miles tagged along, which was nice of him. It isn't often that he does things like that. Normally he's with his girlfriend or at work. I'm getting used to it, but things are lonely, since I have no idea where my dad is and my mom is now dead. But none of that mattered when I was with my old friends. Turns out a lot more people missed me than I had expected, which is weird considering I only had two good friends. I was never popular because of my sort of geeky habits. But it wasn't popularity I was concerned about. Not at all.

I'm lying down on my bed and listening to the silence of my room. I can't even hear the wind coming outside. Maybe it's because I'm thinking. I'm thinking about being with all those kids that I know and love in Montreal, and whether I should just give it all up and move back there, going back to the way things used to be. I had a lot less drama back then and I was a lot happier. I hadn't cut in over three years, and now I've broken my perfect streak of being cut free. Luckily, nobody saw the cuts, so I was okay. I'll still have to cover them up even if I stop cutting, because it will take a while for them to heal. The weather is however getting a little warmer, and I don't know how much longer I can continue hiding the cuts before people realize something is up. Not even makeup can hide cuts.

I get up from my spot on my bed and walk downstairs. My vision is clouded with memories of Montreal. I almost trip over Mindy as I try getting a cucumber from the refrigerator to munch on while I play a new video game. I stop in my tracks as an idea hits me; Maybe I should move to Montreal. Like this week. I'm staring into space until I remember that I should call Miles before I make my decision. I don't usually call Miles about things like this, but I guess I should. I place a shaky hand on the phone and I dial his number with my index finger. The numbers feel like rubber, but I don't care. The phone is ringing for a while until finally Miles picks up the phone.

_Miles_:_ Audrey?_

_Me: Hi Miles. I um...need something._

_Miles: Uh...okay. Let me guess, it's about Montreal, isn't it?_

_Me: Yeah. How did you know?_

_Miles: Audrey, I'm not an idiot. I know that you skipped out on school to go see your friends back there. You want to move back there, don't you?_

_Me: Well, I don't entirely know._

_Miles: Would you be okay by yourself?_

_Me: That depends on whether or not I can find a job._

_Miles: You should also be thinking about those two kids Eli and Clare. They'll probably miss you._

_Me: Yeah..sure. I'll believe that for now._

_Miles: What was that?_

_Me: Nothing. Anyway, I don't know what to do._

_Miles: Well, whatever it is, you just got to do what's right. That's all._

_*hangs up*_

What does he mean by "do what's right?" Make my own decision? I return to my place on the couch and think. Should I just move back? Make everyone happy? Or almost everyone happy? It would definitely make Reed and Sylvie happy. But they've already gotten used to our friendship being long distance, and moving back to Montreal would just be proof that all I can do is hide, which is what I don't want people thinking of me. I should stay in Toronto. My friends here need me, and I think Reed and Sylvie will be okay, because they definitely seem okay. So I think I'll stay.

School bites me in the back of the neck the next morning. Truthfully, I had completely forgotten that the next day would be a school day, since I had been gone for so long. I'm expecting a lot of homework and questions from kids at school of where I was. And of course, my predictions were correct.

"Audrey! Where were you?" Clare is the first to ask me, "I thought something really bad happened!" I hold myself back from laughing. Clare worries way too much, but I never tell her that. "I was um...taking a...mental health week." "Um, no kidding!" Clare exclaimed. I see through the corner of my eye Adam walking into the school. Our eyes met for just seconds and I instantly took my eyes back to Clare. "What did I miss?" was the only thing I could say. "A lot of homework from English class. Ms. Dawes was pretty mad that you weren't coming to school, since you didn't really have permission. So that's when I got worried...because Eli said-" "What did Eli say?" I cut her off. "He said that you were...hurt." I wasn't so sure that was the only thing Eli said to Clare. "He told you everything, didn't he?" Clare nodded. "I'm really, really sorry." I lower my eyes on the pavement, fighting back tears. I don't want to make a scene. Not the way I did with Eli. I knew that it was probably the right thing to tell Clare, because she did deserve to know after all. I'm just hoping that Eli didn't tell _him. He _certainly did not need to know my business. Not anymore.

I step in to the mess of assorted students who remind me of sticky candy abandoned on a summer sidewalk. An adult comes to stop the mess and I am instantly relieved. My body tenses as I walk into the math room. "Nice of you to join us," Mr. Armstrong says sarcastically. "Sorry," I whisper, avoiding eye contact with him as I navigate to my favorite seat. I almost stop in my tracks when I see _him_ sitting in the seat that he's supposed to be in. I have a few short flashbacks of my first days at Degrassi, back when I thought _he_ was the best guy ever. I let myself relax as I slip into the seat. "Hey." I tensed at the sound of _his_ voice. What's wrong with me? It's been three weeks since my violent breakup with Fitz. I feel _him_ tense up. "Okay, what the hell is wrong? It's been a month. I think you can at least look at me now." I look up into his eyes. I don't say anything for a while. I feel like I need to cut, because I'm nervous and I don't want to lose my cool. I silently slip my hand onto the hair tie and whack, whack, whack quietly. It only helps a little, but I'm okay with that. "Adam, I can't talk to you right now," Is all I can say, but I really, really want to talk, because I love him I think it might help him understand why I want to be with him don't want to be with him. I need to be single for now until I can express my true feelings for him. I love him, and that is the truth .

I am a robot for almost the rest of the day. I just do whatever I am told, like a perfect girl, like nothing major has happened, like my world hasn't felt dark and lonely and harmed at all. Like I just went for a small visit to see friends and it didn't practically save me from going insane. Nobody but Eli and Clare suspect anything, and maybe Adam not even Zane knows that my mom has killed herself, and I consider him one of my closest friends. Lucky for me, her story isn't getting published in the newspaper, my dad already requested that it wouldn't make it there. And it's actually better off that the story not get published, because then everybody would know, and it would be even harder for me to forget it all, which was what I wanted to do. I wanted to do that so badly.

Anya is non stop chatter and rants in the art room. I'm trying to tune it all out, focus on my drawing, but I can't. I just nod a few times and keep my eyes on my art. "...you know, I really missed you at school. I heard you were seeing some friends. How are they?" "Great," and I mean it this time. "Isn't it true one of your friends is gay?" "Yeah...Reed. He's a nice guy." I lift my head from my artwork to see Anya intently working on a small sculpture that is so far looking like a swan. It looks really good. I'm working on a modern interpretation of Medusa, and for the first time since I started it, I'm actually proud of my work, so I guess things are getting a little better, but only a little. It will still a while for me to recover from all this. But right now, I am a junior artist working on a medusa, and I am content.

Art class lets out and I am out of my zen mode. I am now frazzled, emotionally challenged Audrey Holker who is about to go to English class and face Ms. Dawes and Adam. There's a seat next to Clare and I quickly sit down. "Well, you look a little less pale," She informs me, and my left hand touches my face. Cold. I quickly rest my hand back to its original spot on the desk and try focusing my eyes on Ms. Dawes, who hands a ten page stack of the equivalent of three weekdays plus a weekend's worth of work. I can see Clare is keeping herself laughing and I roll my eyes. It's all in good fun, so she doesn't mind, but I feel Adam's warm stare on me. I am a bit comforted by this, but I don't let anyone see it. "So, here's what I want to know," Clare whispers to me, "Are you going to give Adam another chance?" I feel as if I have turned into ice at the sound of this. I love him no way I can do this I need to give him another chance he was the reason Fitz hurt me no he wasn't, it was his fault for hitting you. Adam loves you, he did nothing wrong. Fitz did. I know that I can't stop these feelings anymore, I'm ready to forgive him. It wasn't his fault that I got hurt by Fitz, it was mine and his. I fell for Fitz and that was stupid. I didn't listen to Adam's warnings at all, and now look what I've done, causing more grief for everyone else. I wouldn't have been able to help my mom when she killed herself, but I could have forgiven Adam sooner. "Yeah. I'll give him another chance." Clare gives me a sort of teary eyed smile. "Hope it works."

My main priority right now is to talk to Adam, and I have a plan...well sort of.

I'm going to sit alone today at lunch and I'm going to be sitting and trying to solve a rubiks cube, even though I know how to solve one already. And better yet, I'm sitting in the spot that Adam had introduced to me. I let a few tears fall as I sit on the cold yet smooth rock. Out of the corner of my eye I see Adam walking over to the rock. I can't look up at him, it will give it all away.

"What are you doing here?" is the first thing he says to me. "Real nice," I thought to myself. "I thought maybe I'd find you around here." I say quietly. Adam is standing there for a while until I can see a small glint in his eye that sort of lets me know that he's sort of guessing what's going on. He sits down and takes a bite out of a pear. "So what happened...with you and Fitz," Adam says with caution in his voice, obviously trying not to pull a trigger in my emotions. I let my mind relax as I tell him everything, my voice quivering and shaking every which way as I watch Adam's eyes fill with tears. "Adam, don't feel guilty," I say shakily. "How can I not?" he replies quickly, "You got hurt, because of me." "No. It was because of Fitz, and you know that." I dare myself to put my hand on his, and I do. I feel a sense of warmth, and "ice girl" is thawing. A lot. We sit quietly for while until Adam finally has the courage to get closer to me. A few light tears trickle down my face as I realize that this was what I've wanted for so long, and I had wasted my chance with him the last time. "It's okay," he whispers to me, and for a while I believe him. I notice that he's crying too. "Audrey, I love you. A lot. Even when we broke up, I still loved you." I look into his watery eyes. I can't say anything, I'm too filled with bittersweet happiness. I have the courage to lift the sleeves of my hoodie to reveal my cuts. He touches them for a long time, tears falling down on my self abused harm, and the cuts feel a lot less sore. "So this was self medicating for you?" He whispered, and I nodded. I regret it all. I completely regret every single cut. "Is it true that you almost killed yourself?" And I nod again, more tears coming down my cheeks. "Oh Audrey," he breathes as I lean my forehead onto his shoulder and bury my face into his shirt. He takes his hand and rubs my neck. "Audrey, it's okay. It's going to be better. And I'm sorry about your mom, really sorry." I didn't even care how he figured out that my mom killed herself, I'm just happy that he's here. I eventually lift my tear stained face to look at Adam once again, and I lean over to kiss him the same way we did when we first got together, and I feel happy again. "So does this mean we're back together?" and I nod. "Everything is going to be okay now, because I have you." And we kiss some more.

**AUTHORS NOTE:**

**So, that's Eyes on Fire for you! I hope you all enjoyed reading this as much as I did! I probably will make a sequel to this in a few weeks, since it took me an entire month to come up with everything in this story. I'm really proud of this, and especially this chapter. I'm planning on doing an excerpt from the sequel focusing more on the Audrey/Eli/Clare friendship, but don't worry, I plan on having all the same characters (and maybe a few more!) in the sequel. Thank you so much for reading this story! I would also like to thank Blue Foundation for the inspiration for this entire story in general with their song Eyes on Fire. And I would like to thank Panic! At the Disco, Imogen Heap, My Chemical Romance, Rachael Yamagata, Afro Celt Sound System, Regina Spektor, Evanescence, and Richard Walters for giving me chapter name ideas and providing song inspiration for me!  
**


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